I’ll go firstt:

1: Regularly thinking that girls got all the cute clothes
2: Buying female clothes (skirt and some underwear) for “cross dressing”
3: Feeling physical pain when having to put off bought female clothes to go outside
4: Imagining yourself as the women in porn (that’s why I at first though I was “just gay”)
5: Being sad when thinking about trans people and realising I couldn’t transition because I’m not trans
6: Absolutely suppressing every form of thought when thinking about “the trans topic” (in a way that sometimes I reflected myself and thought that I may be trans, but I 100% suppressed those thoughts knowing damn well, that this wasn’t that much of a good strategy. This also included the thought “acts trans, looks trans, probably is trans”, that crossed my mind after taking LSD for the first time)
7: Dissociating kinda regularly. Happened usually when reading fantasy books. Didnt realise it was dissociation until like 3 weeks ago

Probably missed some stuff but those are the most significant ones. Quite a lot of stuff are signs that appears around the last year or so.

  • Tamsin@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    10·
    3 days ago

    I never really tried putting all of this in a list before. It’s always just random stuff popping up when I think about this. Some of these memories are over 30 years old. And I repressed a lot of them.
    So this is just a short list. There’s more, but some of it is too personal for me to share.

    • Having a phase where I tried wearing masculine office wear (but no ties) and feeling very out of place.
    • Never shaving my beard, because I don’t want to see what’s underneath. Using it as a mask to hide behind.
    • Hating the general shape of my body
    • Feeling very out of place in all-male groups.
    • Feeling very in place when spending time with the few female friends that I did have.
    • Internally wincing at being called handsome
    • Looking enviously at my wife as she squeezes herself in a tight pair of pants, making me wish I didn’t have to deal with all that dangling stuff between my legs.
    • Being very involved with helping my wife pick out clothes.
    • Playing an online game under a female persona. *Pretending* to be a girl and really enjoying my interactions with everyone. Making a few female friendships that felt genuine and made me happy. And then deleting the whole account for feeling guilty because I believed I was deceiving others :(
    • Writing a game module in my teens, wherein all the adventurers were turned into women by a wizard’s curse. And dropping it after a couple of hours when I realize having six women try out different dresses doesn’t make for an exciting fantasy adventure (and was getting uncomfortably close to a truth that I wasn’t ready to face)
    • Thinking how nice it would’ve been if I were a lesbian instead.
    • Trying out pantyhose and wearing it under my pants when I was a teenager. (Weird when under pants, better on its own when I was home alone :) )
    • Also in my teens, fantasizing an entire alternate life as a girl when I was lying in bed.
    • Feeling strangely positive when a girl in my class said that I walk like a girl.
    • And of course, always choosing a female character when playing games. (With a whole bunch of other in-game activities that could form a list of it’s own)
    • Whats_your_reasoning@lemmy.worldEnglish
      3·
      2 days ago

      Never shaving my beard, because I don’t want to see what’s underneath. Using it as a mask to hide behind.

      This is very interesting. I have two MtF friends who both went through a period of having handlebar mustaches prior to transitioning. One of them hated looking in the mirror, and experimented with facial hair as a way to distract from her adam’s apple.