I came out to my mom in may and until 2.5 weeks ago everything was fine. I had another session with my therapist and before that I told her how my feelings regarding my gender identity intensified and that I seriously started considering DIY HRT (not in that words because she doesn’t know what that means, but that was the point). After that she started to swing really hard in both directions when talking to me about my gender identity. She is doing her best to help me (it’s not very successful because she doesn’t understand what being trans means) but sometimes she tells me how people from LGBT community do really bad stuff. To be fair, in our country there were some situations where someone from from the community who would do something in public they really shouldn’t do, but that’s really small number of people. I told her that only some people are like that and most don’t do things like that but she just tells me that it’s actually opposite. Today she entered my room just to show me how some crossdressers “made fun” of the Last supper (she found it offensive because she is a Christian) and to tell me how bad it is and that that’s what I want to get into. Worst part is that I already told her the first time that I don’t want to participate in public LGBT events and that I just want to live my own life, but she continues to do stuff like this. To me it feels like she sees things like things and is scared that I will be part of that while ingoring what I already told her. And I don’t like the way she talks about that. I’d like to give her some resources so she could learn something about trans people but I couldn’t find anything good on my native language (she doesn’t know any other language). If I just told her that wouldn’t be enough. At this point I’m not sure is she truly accepting or not. What should I do?
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I had similar problems with my parents. (But I am not transfem, just queer.)
Do you live with your mom? How long will that continue? Are you financially dependent on her? I ask because depending on her temperament your strategy will need to be more careful if so.
You say she belongs to a religion, some flavor of Christianity. I’m sure you get stories about Christians misbehaving all the time. The next time she says something about a trans person doing something actually bad (like setting something on fire?), bring up Christian misbehavior. Ask her if that means all Christians are bad. (You could do this with really any group she respects or identifies with.) When she says no, segue that into saying that there are bad folks from every group but that doesn’t mean the group is bad.
When she complains about what she thinks is misbehavior but is really not, such as queer people making fun of religion, also turn that around. Has she made fun of atheists/other religions, or does she look up to people that do? Bring that up. She will likely double double down and say it’s different, but insist it is not.
When she complains about a non-issue, like a masc person wearing a dress, you can just reiterate about what not a problem it is. So if she says something like “Look at that man with painted nails… shameful.” You can say something like “I don’t see the problem, he looks like he’s just living his life.” You can disengage but not agree with her at any time… but if she keeps digging like “well he shouldn’t do that,” just ask “Why?” to things that don’t make sense. It will boil down to a core belief that you can choose to challenge or not.
Your other option is just to not really react. Just respond with the bare minimum, like “ok.” Look up gray rocking.
There will always be people that don’t like you, some for stupid reasons, some for petty reasons, and some for valid reasons. It really hurts when someone you care about holds a poor opinion of you, and it’s not because of something you did wrong. At some point though, if her opinion doesn’t lighten up, you will just have to accept that is how she is. But the same way you cannot control her, she cannot control you. You can choose how much your mom is in your life. (And if you are a minor, you still have some control over this. She will only know what you share with her and what she can find out herself. You can only give her the bare minimum if you wish.)
Good luck out there. It sounds like she wants what’s best for you but doesn’t know much about queer people so hopefully she will come around.
I live with my mom and I’m financially dependant, I don’t know how long that will last. I never heard her making fun of other religions and atheists.