First, sorry for dodging around some words here. I’ve got some trauma and a lot of words are hard for me to say. You don’t need to watch your own language, it’s only saying them, not hearing them, that triggers anxiety in me.
I’m gonna get right into it. I hate having a dick. I want to get surgery. Zero depth specifically, because I straight up don’t have the mental willpower to go through dilating, no matter how infrequent. I can barely stand the fact that my hormones come out of a bottle instead of my body, so I don’t need more reminders of what I am. I’d rather just feel like a girl born without a canal who chose to never have that fixed.
But that’s not where the problem comes in. Now, for context, I’m a virgin, but nonetheless I know what I’d enjoy. I know I’d very greatly enjoy using what I already have for penetration. In fact, I know I’d enjoy it enough that the idea of getting rid of it for the option that I’m more comfortable with all of the rest of the time somehow seems unappealing. Like if I got rid of it, then I’d regret it in every sexual encounter for the rest of my life. I also know for certain I wouldn’t enjoy using, say, a strap on nearly as much.
And that brings on an additional problem, because every other time I’ve consistently regretted not getting the surgery sooner. And now I feel like I’m having to pick between one regret or another, and I can’t pick. No matter what I’m gonna wish I did the opposite.
Maybe I’d regret getting the surgery less, but how am I supposed to know until I’ve already gotten it? And that’s the issue. The only way I can find to make this decision is to make it first and just wait and see if I regret it, and that feels horrifically irresponsible. I know I can’t ask somebody else to make my decision for me, but does anybody at least have some advice to help me make it myself? Maybe an angle I haven’t considered?
I’ve been on hormones over 5 years now and I just want to finally have some closure and feel like I’ve completed my journey. All that’s left on my list is this and legally changing my name. Since I can’t afford hair removal I’m just dealing with shaving. I don’t hate my facial hair anyway, just don’t want others to judge me for it. I just need to get every box ticked even if some of those boxes are gonna be ticked as “opt out.”
Choosing to have bottom surgery is such a personal decision. I wanted to have a vagina so bad. Like I hated everything about having or using a dick. I hesitated for a long time because of how hard I knew recovery would be, but i knew how badly i wanted it. The way I have sex has obviously changed a lot, but I find that sex without dysphoria is literally a million times better for me. Like I would feel physically sick after pre-op sex, I never do anymore. I also used to just passively be extemely conscious of it all the time, even at home relaxed like. I didn’t realize until it was gone, but I could literally always feel it. The dysphoria was constant.
I accepted when I walked into the OR that no matter what happened, I was happy with my decision. I was choosing to step away from a lifetime of intense bottom dysphoria. Getting surgery has been the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire life. I love my body. I love that I don’t have to tuck, i can wear skirts and dresses and leggings and tight jeans and they all fit perfectly with my anatomy and I feel so comfortable and confident in them. I was never a confident person before, but I very much have become one. I invest time and care and love into myself because I actually like this body and want to take care of it.
This is also personal to me, but as much as I knew it did not invalidate me to have a penis - I never fully felt like myself with one. I didn’t feel fully confident in my own womanhood pre-op. That is entirely gone now. I’m proud to be me, to be trans, and to be a woman.
So you really gotta ask yourself what matters most to you. You have to introspect and find this answer from within. You also have other options like orchiectomy while keeping the actual penis. It’s your body, and what matters most is what will make you happy. No one else has to be you. No one else has to inhabit your skin. Fulfilling sex post-op is possible, but it’s always your decision and what you think matters the most to you. Talk about it with a counselor, with someone who can give you personal advice knowing you.
I used to hate having a penis but now I could actually live with it for the rest of my life (still getting bottom surgery when I’m able tho)
Maybe it’s just the feeling of “not being trans enough”? Maybe a part of ur brain still sees penises as exclusive to men even if u only feel that on urself
