And we already know you’re a leftist who doesnt approve of ancient Spartan society. Saying you’d get killed for going John Brown mode isnt a fun answer. Fun answers only.
I’d befriend the goat herder guy and suggest we fight together master blaster style where he rides on my shoulders and jabs down at Persian army guys with a spear. I would lose balance and fall flat on my face the second the terrain became uneven or goat harder tried to use the spear. I would then be stepped on by an elephant.
That takes a while and was therefore probably contracted well before the army was assembled and therefore we can all still say the Spartan army is totally not at all gay!