I’m a guy who has been dating a woman for several months. She is self-employed and I swear about 20% of our conversations is her explaining all the things she has to do every day that may prevent her from being able to commit to seeing me. She swears she just got backed up on things and she’ll become more available, but I see her inventory continuing to grow, not shrink. She is also constantly supervising people on a variety of house projects (mutual disinterest in me getting involved there).
So I decided to ask the internet (DuckDuckGo (DDG) specifically): Am I dating a workaholic? What I found surprised me. I imagined I’d find a bunch of stupid little Cosmo-style quizzes, with the understanding that the reader would find out they were dating an workaholic and leave the relationship. Instead what I found was article after article after article with titles like,
- How to Date a Workaholic: 8 Steps (with Pictures)
- Dating a Workaholic (13 Tips to Make It Work)
- 12 Tips to Cope when Dating a Workaholic
The internet is assuming I WANT to date a workaholic.
Contrast that with results to the question Am I dating someone emotionally unavailable? DDG more straightforwardly answer the question (“17 Signs Someone is Emotionally Unavailable”) with a sprinkling of advice for how to cope.
I see workaholism as basically identical to emotional unavailability, but obviously it’s treated differently by society (maybe because it comes with money and home repairs?). So what is going on? Would you date a workaholic?
I get a distinct “check the box” vibe from her. Like she’ll show up an hour before my shift starts so she can say she saw me that day. Ultimately, I want someone who WANTS to spend time with me, not someone who responds to being threatened with metrics.
For her, a quota might be how she relates to the world. I think the important parts are that you are telling her how much time you need and what types of together time, and that she is making time for you.
That might not be a permanent way of things. But it’s how she might need it structured initially until you have a routine.
I think the important questions are: are you having fun? And do you see a future?
If she is making you a part of her life, and hearing you out and trying to respond to your concerns, those are good signs for the latter.
Yes, I think she is making some kind of effort, but it’s very sporadic and unreliable. I guess I can accept a quota if that’s how she interacts with the world, but she is also horribly unstructured about her time… like she just does shit until she runs out of daylight and stores close…