You seem to be spiraling right now, and that fucking sucks. I’m sorry. Force yourself to eat something, even if it’s just a spoonful of peanut butter.
Now, listen up; it’s not you, and it’s not your fault. Your brain is wired weird. It’s easy to take it personally, but it’s really not your fault. You want to live differently, or you wouldn’t be here. Separate your actions from your sense of yourself, as they are not the same.
Now, what helped me was to get medicated and to get therapy. It took a lot of the latter for me to come to terms with (and accept) the things I had done in my life because of ADHD. I still carry a lot of guilt and shame, but I’m doing better and looking forward and accepting my past. Seek help, and let your wife know you’re doing it, so she can support you.
Then pet your dogs a lot. It’s going to be ok. You’re not the condition. ADHD is a motherfucker, and it makes our lives hard, but it doesn’t define who you are. Don’t off yourself, for gods sake. Hang in there. PM me if you ever need to.
FWIW, not all flash memory is created equal. Apple does tend to use premium chips with better error correction, etc. All that said, it’s still not worth it for most of us, most of the time.