She could just be learning about autonomy and figuring out ways to express that. My kid (4, just as stubborn as his papa) still does this from time to time, and it’s frustrating - I just remind him that holding it in can make things hurt, and that we want to avoid accidents. Forming the habit of going potty before bedtime is paramount, don’t let that go.

Alternatively, I wonder if she had a particularly bad/painful experience and is now scared something like that might happen again. If this sounds plausible, and you and your partner haven’t seen it, maybe try asking the daycare if she has tried using the potty and if there were negative experiences.

There’s no need to be rude, dude

There is another comment with a link to the non-paywalled article

Therapy is a vehicle, and you are the driver. You’re only going to move forward if you drive.

That being said, finding a therapist you work well with is hard, and, in my experience, takes quite a few tries before finding someone with whom you are comfortable.

My suggestion is to find someone who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and literally read this post to them. I’ve had luck using Alma to find a therapist (in the US).

I genuinely hope you are able to work through this - I’ve been there, as have many people. You can do this, and you’re not alone