Meds finally shipped, at some point late Friday. I seriously doubt they will arrive before Monday at best, but probably at least a few days later. Might as well be years. I’m so tired.

I’m not ok.

Have reached out to a couple of the people who responded (not replying to everyone all at once because I don’t want to get even more overwhelmed having a few different conversations about it at once) but I have a feeling we’re in different time zones and I’m also not very communicative in the times I’m dissociating, so no real conversations started yet. (E: this is NOT a criticism or complaint! just matter of fact - it hasn’t happened yet, but it’s happening).

My meds order has finally been picked up but not shipped yet. So much for paying a load extra for fast delivery.

I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I feel like I could explode from the pain.

I almost want to just let it all out here, but there is just so much explaining and so much detail that leads to this point, it would go on for pages and pages and I wouldn’t even know where to start. There’s just been (and still is) such a massive and accumulative amount of shit I am and have been dealing with for at least 15 years. Also while the writing (here, or of my irl final notes) sometimes serves as a mild distraction, getting to the most painful parts becomes too much and I just completely fall apart again (also why I’m still tentative about having an actual conversation with anyone, I’m just in pieces, sobbing hysterically, wishing I could scream until the pain goes away without the neighbours calling the cops).

I really don’t know what to do at this point, in my mind when I’d planned for this time to come, the meds were going to arrive in 2 or 3 days max, but I think it’s now day 3 or 4 and I still have at least a few more days if not a week to wait, and I just cannot bear this pain (in case anyone thinks to ask why I just don’t find another method and do it already: I have tired other methods that are accessible to me before and failed, this method will not fail, I don’t want another botched attempt) and being mostly bedridden means I have very few ways to get away from it (this also means that suggestions of holidays and bucket lists are not realistic, nor appealing in the state that I’m in). This is the worst agony I have ever felt.

I tried, but sleep was never going to happen.

I’m not really up to replying to people just now, trying to cling on to a moment of numbness, but I just wanted to say thanks, I appreciate the replies (here, on the deleted post, and in my DMs), I was not expecting anyone to even see this (or for it to be left up, thanks for not deleting it mods).