I know /how/ to date in itself, but I’m curious how other AuDHDers go about meeting people to date. Ive only been let down and demoralized using mainstream apps, and the advice of “go find a group hangout” feels very antithetical to my entire being. I hate being in large groups where I know no one. I’m pretty jaded by the idea of just waiting for that right person to come along too, when it feels like it has happened, there’s usually a reason we can’t even entertain dating, such as meeting them after they’ve just started a new relationship with someone. I feel ready and would really enjoy finding someone that doesn’t need all the masks and can love me for who I am, but I feel like I don’t know how to go about meeting the right person.
So I’m curious, how do you meet people for the purpose of dating?
Do new interesting things in groups.
Met my last girlfriend while volunteering at a festival.
Thank you for the advice, but My social anxiety doesn’t lend well to that honestly. I feel very uncomfortable in groups I don’t know and withdraw. I know someone else suggested not going alone to these kinds of things, but I know my friends well. I’d be alone.
When I go outside and see someone cute, I go up to them and say “hey sorry for disturbing you, but I thought you were very cute, would you maybe like to get to know each other?” and then go from there. Most of the time the response is “no”, but met some cool people through this.
how do you meet people for the purpose of dating?
I don’t. I work and go home, go to the grocery store or other errands sometimes, and occasionally walk some nearby trails to a spot I can smoke a joint and read a book by a creek. That’s it. I can’t meet people at the stores because women just want to do their business without being bothered (be they customer or employee), everyone at work is married or dating (half of them to each other, no less), and on the trails they’d rather I was a bear than some random stoner with a used book, so I can’t meet them there either. Commonly I’m told I should join a gym or find a hobby like you, by what I can only assume is a guy who found his wife in 1986, but then I’m also told by like actual women (trans inclusive) they don’t like it when the 6000th guy hits on them at those places, so idk who to believe but so far I’m believing the women. The bars and apps are conducive to hook ups and flings not lasting relationships, which isn’t what I’m looking for, and in addition to the bar’s clientelle being on average heavier drinkers that I’m seeking and the apps being spyware and pay to play.
I’ll come back to this thread to peruse myself though, hopefully there’ll be something more than “get lucky” and “transition and become poly” by the time I come back lol. Already trying the “just be lucky” option and transitioning is a little more than I’m willing to do just to get a date, since I’m not trans lmao.
Yeah, though I imagine those replying mean well, little to no hope/opportunities I hadn’t considered have been inspired. I was prepared for that beforehand though, there’s no simple solution to this for us ND. I hope when you return to this thread you find an answer that resonates with you and helps find you a loving partner.
Thanks, I hope you do too!
I was in a simmilar situation a while ago
For a multitude of reasons I left mainstream society as whole and began hanging out with alternative and queer communities exclusively.
Along with other things I noted my dating experience was improving significantly. Not only did I found other neurodivergent folk with whom a social interaction was fun, but I was influenced by what I actually wanted in a partner.
After becoming poly and beginnging my transition, going back to dating in “normie-space” turned out to be impossible.
At this point I think the difference in what I need and what the mainstream can provide is to large. The people who understand me most are the ones whom I share a connection with, either by having simmilar conditions or modes of thinking in general. Those are the people I want to date and who also want to date me, for simmilar reasons.
Maybe not a feasible option for you, but I know others who have a simmilar story like this. Hope you find a fitting solution
How do you even find queer space, not even for dating just hanging out?
… Maybe I could manage that without wanting to die from simply existing among other people.
I live in a bigger city which has some more left and alterntaive leaning areas. Usually there you find some locations where events are hosted.
Not sure about the socialising part, but regular public meetups might be a good point to start
Poly is certainly not in the cards for me, but increasing time with my queer friends sounds like it’s certainly worth exploring. Even if they don’t have other straight friends, at least I’ll still get quality time with good people.
One last piece of advice:
Dont look for dates, look for cool people and find out later who you click with. Changes the expectations and puts less strain on minds and it filters out political imcompatible people. After all, what good is it to just find a nice “date” and then they tell you that abortion is morally wrong?
Good general advice! I wholeheartedly agree, I know I’d prefer a partner I already know can be a best friend. I fell it helps with much the early relationship anxieties from letting down the masks to be able to truly be yourself, too.
I tried dating sites for a while with much disappointment. I tried joining a few activity groups, but didn’t find anyone who really understood me.
Story time
By chance, I happened to meet someone through a mutual friend. All communication was online and I didn’t even know what they looked like. We played a few games together, and I enjoyed their company.
We were both invited to visit our mutual friend, so we met in person there and got along well. They had to drive 700km (450mi) to get home.
I wanted to stay on contact and I realized that I had 2 options. I could do nothing and probably never see them again, or I could offer to share the drive with them and end up in a town I’d never been to with no family or other friends nearby.
Going somewhere new like that was a terrifying concept, but I was even more scared of never seeing them again.I offered to share the drive, and to my surprise, they said yes. I ended up staying with them for a week to get the best prices on flights home. It was basically a sleepover with my best friend, and it was the best week of my life (so far).
After getting back home, I realized how much happier I had been there. A few weeks later I packed everything into a rental car and moved in permanently.
I never actually dated anyone, I just claimed my human and moved in with them. We’ve been married for several years and they’re still my best friend.
I can’t offer much advice about finding someone because I just got lucky.
I can tell you that stereotypical dating is far less important than finding a friend who makes you feel comfortable and safe, and brings out the best in you.honestly? I met the love of my life by being lewd in a TF2 lobby, and my boyfriend before him, I met through dungeons and dragons.
the advice of “go find a group hangout” feels very antithetical to my entire being. I hate being in large groups where I know no one.
You don’t have to go alone, bring a friend. Do you work in an office? Go to a happy hour with your co workers, especially if they’re of the opposite sex. Women are the best wingmen for dudes.
there’s usually a reason we can’t even entertain dating
Do they have friends? If you enjoy talking to them maybe they’ve got single friends?
My friends might be more introverted than I am, so that really is out the window for me.
My company is also spread out across the country, so we don’t have happy hours. Even if I did want to go that route (I’ve dated a coworker before and it was a huge mistake/headache) the only coworkers I’ve met that are single are younger enough than me that I find the idea uncomfortable. I also fucking hate my company as an employer at this point for burning me out and refuse to partake in their after hours activities. I need less of their toxicity in my life.
Heh, not really. I tend to ha e a lot of the same things in common with these people, such as social anxiety. Probably part of why we’re able to get along so well. smell our own and all that…
I’m not saying to date your co workers, but see if they can help you find a date.
My apologies, I misread your comment. The company being scattered still kinda hinders that, I feel.
