As a normal person with ADHD but otherwise neurotypical, I have a hard time communicating and functioning with my partner.
How do I better deal with the communication issues and honestly she entirely lacks a way to talk, express feelings, be deeper than basic interactions.
My new girlfriend is on the spectrum not high up and at first glance functions fairly normal to onlookers.
But privately and when being close or open its like she says she has a social battery but its always drained according to her, she doesn’t sleep good. Has depression and horrible anxiety. She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it’s kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.
But she deals with major issues of over stimulation like talking or touching when emotions get higher or more complex she defaults to blocking people out and going into herself.
Overwhelming emotions all the time that she cannot explain or process no matter how much she tries writing to me, to be alone and think about them so we can properly discuss, the only answer she comes to is IDK. It’s like she can’t explain emotions and feelings almost at all. Which makes any understanding or functioning insanely difficult borderline impossible due to the one way nature my input and none of her output. She struggles to explain basic thoughts and doesn’t like trying or will attempt to try and get frustrated and upset or scared to try entirely. Which further increases the overwhelming feelings and discomfort. It leaves a void for us. She wants nothing but to do better and grow together but feels trapped in her autism cycle. I know it cannot be changed but I can certainly improve on how to process the situation and do better on my part.
How/what can we introduce methods to better communicate? (we tried writing letters and texting but she can’t explain things and gets confused/frustrated/upset so that is out)
What systems can we introduce and methods we can try improve these feelings?
What are some of your best advices and methods for a normal person to be educated and productive when dealing with an autistic person? So I can be a better partner too.
I am struggling to understand, communicate, and find ways to function cohesively together because for me it’s like… why can’t you try to explain things so we can improve but it always lands into a negative set of emotions. Where she feels sad, cries, gets mad, blames me, depression, anxiety, she’s constantly never ending overwhelmed.
I greatly appreciate the help. I will have open discussions with each of you as needed. Thanks for taking the time to help a normie out!
Edit: Perhaps that was way over stated. All our interactions are not negative but for the sake of the post I was focusing on those aspects to find tools to improve myself and her ability to communicate more effectively.
In no way shape or form are our interactions as basic as that sounded. We function almost entirely normal. Do normal activities, go places, hangout, work and hobbies. When I meant basic interaction I don’t mean she sits on bench and cannot function. I just meant anything outside of typical day to day like intricate displays of emotion or communication about our relationship issues is where the wall hits. Its not trust. Or as dead sounding as that seemed. Its that she lacks ways to articulate her emotions and what to say. Has issues processing.
I was looking at for tools like the emotion wheel. Similar methods. Not a psychological breakdown of her and I.
When she is shutting down don’t see it as a rejection, see it more as an involuntary shut down due to system overload. She doesn’t want to be alone because of you being annoying or bad, she needs to be alone because she is overloaded.
The solution? Support her. She needs to be alone, OK, how can you help her do that more effectively? Can you help her predict that need and take the break before it becomes a shutdown? It will take less times to recover if she doesn’t go all the way to full shutdown before stopping.
If you can predict you will see the causes and over time you can potentially support her in making more informed choices about what she does. Maybe there is a group of people she should keep her activities with time limited, like 2 hours max or something, so she can enjoy their company without burning out. Pointing out what you have noticed without any pushing or judgement can be helpful, but be mindful of how you communicate. It would be very easy for her to feel restricted or pushed by these observations, so communicate clearly that you have noticed something not that she should or should not do something.
Also, a clear communication strategy for what she needs is useful. The same question set every time, a small selection of options, all presented the same way. For example, “Do you need quiet time? Do you want me to be here? Do you need me not to talk?” That sort of question set allows her to have you there, calm, silent, and stable without having to figure out that is what she needs at a time she has no resources to figure things out with.