As a normal person with ADHD but otherwise neurotypical, I have a hard time communicating and functioning with my partner.
How do I better deal with the communication issues and honestly she entirely lacks a way to talk, express feelings, be deeper than basic interactions.
My new girlfriend is on the spectrum not high up and at first glance functions fairly normal to onlookers.
But privately and when being close or open its like she says she has a social battery but its always drained according to her, she doesn’t sleep good. Has depression and horrible anxiety. She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it’s kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.
But she deals with major issues of over stimulation like talking or touching when emotions get higher or more complex she defaults to blocking people out and going into herself.
Overwhelming emotions all the time that she cannot explain or process no matter how much she tries writing to me, to be alone and think about them so we can properly discuss, the only answer she comes to is IDK. It’s like she can’t explain emotions and feelings almost at all. Which makes any understanding or functioning insanely difficult borderline impossible due to the one way nature my input and none of her output. She struggles to explain basic thoughts and doesn’t like trying or will attempt to try and get frustrated and upset or scared to try entirely. Which further increases the overwhelming feelings and discomfort. It leaves a void for us. She wants nothing but to do better and grow together but feels trapped in her autism cycle. I know it cannot be changed but I can certainly improve on how to process the situation and do better on my part.
How/what can we introduce methods to better communicate? (we tried writing letters and texting but she can’t explain things and gets confused/frustrated/upset so that is out)
What systems can we introduce and methods we can try improve these feelings?
What are some of your best advices and methods for a normal person to be educated and productive when dealing with an autistic person? So I can be a better partner too.
I am struggling to understand, communicate, and find ways to function cohesively together because for me it’s like… why can’t you try to explain things so we can improve but it always lands into a negative set of emotions. Where she feels sad, cries, gets mad, blames me, depression, anxiety, she’s constantly never ending overwhelmed.
I greatly appreciate the help. I will have open discussions with each of you as needed. Thanks for taking the time to help a normie out!
Edit: Perhaps that was way over stated. All our interactions are not negative but for the sake of the post I was focusing on those aspects to find tools to improve myself and her ability to communicate more effectively.
In no way shape or form are our interactions as basic as that sounded. We function almost entirely normal. Do normal activities, go places, hangout, work and hobbies. When I meant basic interaction I don’t mean she sits on bench and cannot function. I just meant anything outside of typical day to day like intricate displays of emotion or communication about our relationship issues is where the wall hits. Its not trust. Or as dead sounding as that seemed. Its that she lacks ways to articulate her emotions and what to say. Has issues processing.
I was looking at for tools like the emotion wheel. Similar methods. Not a psychological breakdown of her and I.
Sometimes music can help me identify how I feel. I also need A LOT of quiet introspection to figure myself out.
Fwiw I have pretty severe ADHD and somewhat mild autism.
My best advice is that one doesn’t need an explanation for emotions. Focus on needs. I second the ‘is this good/bad/neutral’ that someone suggested. I would like to add that I would focus on NEEDS rather than what the feeling is.
Examples:
‘would you like to be alone right now? Do you want me here?’
‘would you like to be held?’
Even simple ones like ‘lights on or off?’
Maybe together you can learn what situations can be helped by what reaction/strategy. E.g. when I’m overwhelmed, I like it when the lights are off and my partner sorta lies on me like a weighted blanket.
With physical intimacy, she sounds a bit like me; it can be hard to know what you want. My strategy is to ask to try sth, then as it’s happening, check in to see how it feels. I’ve told my partner to do it like this.
Example:
‘would you like to try holdingy hand?’
If it’s a yes, do it, then after a few seconds:
‘is this ok? Do you like it?’
If either of you don’t want to or can’t talk well in these situations, you can designate a non verbal signal, like asking and nodding, or guiding someone’s hand, then looking at them, and they nod to signal consent.
Honestly, I act like this in intimacy with non autistic people too. It’s good consent practice. At worst, they’re like ‘yes yes get on with it’.
Hope my ramblings help at all, lol. You sound like a sweet and attentive partner. All the best and feel free to ask further questions.
This is going to sound silly, but the best advice I could have given my younger self would be to be a chill presence. Back off when needed, as getting sucked into an argument will hurt her more than calmly stating your position and fucking off a bit.
Overwhelming emotions all the time that she cannot explain or process… the only answer she comes to is IDK.
Open-ended questions can be hard. Perhaps you can ask a series of simpler questions, such as “are you feeling good/bad/neutral/idk?” with follow ups for emotions like happy, sad, excited (can be good/bad/neutral), tired, etc. If you’re asking to gauge her response to something, consider asking something like “is this a good/bad/neutral/idk thing” and digging deeper into what aspects are good/bad; then you can ask about concrete plans like “should we seek/avoid that?” or “should I stop/continue that?” and elaborate further on how you should try to achieve those.
Of course, there is a risk of overwhelming her with questions, so you should probably monitor for symptoms and behaviors that indicate she’s getting more overwhelmed, or even just ask.
59 yo man with ASD with a 20 yo daughter with ASD.
We don’t perceive or express emotions the way normies do. We don’t understand subtle social clues or hints. It’s easier for us if you just tell us what you are thinking. My wife is moody and passive aggressive which I just don’t understand. If you’re happy, tell her. If you’re mad, tell her. If you’re upset with her, deal with it.
If she is peopled out give her space.
If she’s with you it’s because she wants to be. She has learned to mask which can make her seem cold or indifferent. She’s just trying to act in a way that won’t cause a negative reaction that she has witnessed in the past.
I do that. When I’m dealing with someone new who I find attractive I am extremely flat bordering on cold. I have misinterpreted what I thought were hints or suggestions in the past so I assume that everything that might be a hint or a suggestion is not and play everything neutral casual. I’ve been told by women that I’m emotionally stupid as a result.
Make her feel safe telling you what she wants. If she tells you she wants something do it if you can. If you can’t, don’t get emotion, just explain that you can’t but ask her to ask about the next thing. Make her feel safe asking you for things.
If you can learn to communicate with her Aspies are a lot of fun. I have a standard speech that I give to everyone I meet that I might be interested in being more than casual acquaintances with that explains how I act and how to communicate with me. I had someone once ask, “So I can ask you anything and you will say, ‘yes’ or, ‘no’ and if you say, ‘no’ it won’t change anything?” Yes. “Like what can I ask?” Do you want to have coffee? Can I join your Minecraft realm? Can I sit on your face? “Can I sit in your face?” Yes. “That’s cool.”
We find dealing with normies who never just come out and say what they want and who hint and suggest and brood exhausting. When you get two of us together shit happens.
I hope this helps.
EDIT: I should proofread. Fucking racoons.
We are very open, talk directly. She does not explain things well, has no real methods to communicate. We tries writing letters, we have tries texting, but she ends up getting frustrated And upset because she doesn’t know HOW to explain her feelings. She defaults to IDK. She will say that she wants to understand, wants to talk but does not understand her own feelings and thoughts to even know how or what to talk about. So we always just wind up in a stalemate and move on. We basically seem to agree we feel the same emotions but the communication between us is hard due to her inability to express it.
Edit: So I was asking for tools to use. Methods to try. Anything at all to attempt to gain insight into her. How can we grow and talk if she is incapable of explaining anything even basic emotions and feelings.
Look up alexithymia.
This sounds like it. She has major issues with emotions. Outwardly appearing normal but inside she’s got no clue when to make faces, describe things. Hmm. But even knowing the problem doesn’t help, whether this is the clinical term or not. Doesn’t help the functioning aspect. How can we improve her ability? How can I improve mine?
How old is she? It can take a long time to learn to express emotions. I was terrible at it in my teens, still pretty bad at it in my 20s, and I finally feel like I am getting kinda okay at it in my mid-40s.
Be patient. Let her know that it is okay if she cannot explain an emotion today.
Consider the two of you keeping a diary of times that she was and was not able to express feelings. Maybe in the future at other times she can go through it and say “I feel like I felt when we wrote this entry”, or “I think this word/expression/description describes how I felt then”, or “I think this fictional character we are watching/reading is supposed to feel how I felt at this time”. Maybe it will help her learn how to explain some emotions, or least help you identify in retrospect.
A dairy is good tool. This is what I was looking for. More tools. Ideas on how, mediums to express herself when she can’t form the words. She talks fine. Functions near a normal person. But mentally she’s very closed off.
When she is shutting down don’t see it as a rejection, see it more as an involuntary shut down due to system overload. She doesn’t want to be alone because of you being annoying or bad, she needs to be alone because she is overloaded.
The solution? Support her. She needs to be alone, OK, how can you help her do that more effectively? Can you help her predict that need and take the break before it becomes a shutdown? It will take less times to recover if she doesn’t go all the way to full shutdown before stopping.
If you can predict you will see the causes and over time you can potentially support her in making more informed choices about what she does. Maybe there is a group of people she should keep her activities with time limited, like 2 hours max or something, so she can enjoy their company without burning out. Pointing out what you have noticed without any pushing or judgement can be helpful, but be mindful of how you communicate. It would be very easy for her to feel restricted or pushed by these observations, so communicate clearly that you have noticed something not that she should or should not do something.
Also, a clear communication strategy for what she needs is useful. The same question set every time, a small selection of options, all presented the same way. For example, “Do you need quiet time? Do you want me to be here? Do you need me not to talk?” That sort of question set allows her to have you there, calm, silent, and stable without having to figure out that is what she needs at a time she has no resources to figure things out with.
When I am nonverbal, I have a system with my ADHD roommate where we will use hand squeezes to communicate. She can ask questions, and I will signal yes or no.
“No” with no question asked when we are outside the house means “I need to go to a quiet place (or home,) I’m overstimulated.”
We have other signals for other things, but it’d make sense to tailor a system to you! (Signals I have: “I need food” “I need a bathroom” “What are you thinking (depending on context: about right now/for next)?”)
Having emergency nonverbal communications help a lot in the dynamic feeling more safe as well as removing a huge amount of energy in communicating consistently.
My dynamic with her isn’t perfect by any means but having some systems has helped.
I didn’t use to have such overwhelming issues with explaining how I feel until I had very negative relationships, where every way of expression was described to me as “incorrect” and every avenue I had to express myself was no longer an option.
It creates paralysis. It takes SO much energy trying to find the perfect 1% answer that couldn’t possibly be misunderstood or piss anyone off.
She might be coming out of a similar situation, and learning that expressing herself the way that actually works for her, is actually safe with you, would take time.
And you would have to actually be consistently safe, e.g. asking questions for clarification as the first resort for misunderstanding, rather than policing how it’s said (or assuming ill will by default.)
Misunderstandings with allistics are very very common and being patient (rather than jumping to conclusions) will help over time. And it can take years to build that kind of trust, (if this is even the case here at all.)
She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it’s kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.
This specifically needs extremely direct communication as to when it’s okay to initiate, if it’s something she should ask for, or if there are times it’s not safe to ask or initiate. And a system where she feels safe/comfortable to stop doing that activity without fear of disappointing or hurting you!
(Vaguely saying “it’s okay to stop” is not really a system nor reassuring-- people mean all sorts of things when saying this-- it needs specifics. “We can stop sex, hand holding, or kissing, at any time, for any reason, just pull away when you are ready to be done, and I’ll be okay” is better. “You can check in with nonverbal signals whenever you are unsure of how I feel, or signal when you starting to tap out” can be very solid for not being so fearful of overwhelm.)
Many of my previous relationships were painful because I couldn’t reliably pull back consent, partially because they were shitty but also because I’d become nonverbal or didn’t feel safe. And I didn’t take my own discomfort as a “no” until it was unbearable-- being trained to mask unfortunately trains us to ignore our own body signals-- it should be clear she can absolutely stop before that point.
Not all of this is specifically always tied directly to autism per se, but maybe it’s a place to start in trying to lend her more social battery. Navigating difficult conversations like these every single time they come up, rather than having a systems protocol for it, drains real fast!
Jumping off of what you said: I feel a lot more comfortable when people are very clear and direct about expectations. I hate the feeling that I might be doing something wrong but I’m unsure.
🦒Try to get her turned on to nonviolent communication (call it nvc) .
🦒🦒Both of you can use it as a communication protocol to help make changes you feel are important
🦒🦒🦒Y’all need to drill down to what causes the reactions and dig in to figure out what is the deeper deficiency or need and how to constructively work towards upholding it and each other in the process.
🦒🦒🦒🦒I would suggest an app on NVC that walks you thru the process and comes up with your side of a script that helps establish the talking you need to do that your emotions are currently dysfunctionally heavylifting chronically
🦒🦒We’re a giraffes at the end of the day, afterall 🦒🦒
Edit: i want to try this in the framework of nvc so i will copy and paste an example
We are very open, talk directly, even for long times. She severely struggles to explain deep emotions or feelings. She has no real methods to communicate that work, which is what I am trying to find tools or methods.
We tried writing letters, we have tries texting or calling, but she ends up getting frustrated And upset because she doesn’t know HOW to explain her feelings. She defaults to IDK And I just don’t know followed by emotional rollercoaster.
She will say that she wants to understand, wants to talk but does not understand her own feelings and thoughts to even know how to respond or what to say. So we always just wind up in a stalemate emotionally and move on using it sort of like a venting session. We basically seem to agree we feel the same emotions but the communication between us is hard due to her inability to express it.
Edit: So I was asking for tools to use. Methods to try. Anything at all to attempt to gain insight into her. How can we grow and talk if she is incapable of explaining anything even basic emotions and feelings. WHAT can I do to help her understand how she feels and most importantly HOW to express it?
Thats why I mentioned getting an NVC app that she can be walked thru with simple questions that can help her suss out all those things. You as well, often communication habits are based on conflict and emotionally non mature coping mechanisms everyone learned from their caretakers. Both of you will need to engage for issues important to either of you individually or both of you as a couple
It is beneficial to use an app at first because it makes it easy and structured and replicable and if you both use it, some consistency and familiarity will tend to result that is far more workable. Baby steps for now, you can all improvise later
Btw Is she Apple or Android and what are you?
Also there’s not necessarily a ton of benefit to long, drawn out convos on these kinds of things, the best anodyne is getting a quick analysis of the needs that are going unmet, how they bark, and how to get them up to standards so both of you feel better in general and also have confidence in your joint abillity to figure out whats not working/workable and rewrite the script so everything can be brought closer to being in balance but importantly in an organic way.
Once something has been engaged with and resolved, closure can then be experienced and you move on to the next thing. Its like cleaning and dishes and such, you gotta maintain it, its a system and routine, not an endgoal.
She’s apple, I am android. I am fast and ADHD she is slow and autistic. We are wildly different but the chemistry is very attractive. We jive good together. It’s just the communication aspect from her, keeping to timelines and schedules. She has no ability to. Communicate her thought and emotions. They just boil out to negative emotions after things get held inside for a long time unaddressed. So I am looking for ways to try to reinforce good behaviors and tools to help her ease into explaining herself and being open mentally. For me it’s easy, you feel some type of way, you talk about it. I’m intricate even. But she’s basic and you gain no real value from it. It’s like our communication of relationship is one sided with me doing all the talking and her never inputing. We try. She wants to. But can’t explain. Doesn’t know how. Doesn’t understand. So we repeat the same mistakes.
Edit. I will. Look into NVC apps any reccs?
Ok great, so for
herBOTH of you, downloadNVC Check-In (iOS, Android)
and ask her to try it with a recent thing that happened that was concerning or emotional. You do the same.
Perhaps when its your turn you can ask her to let you use it (with her supervision since its her phone and its also better for this to be as collaborative as possible and agree to stay present and open to the roughwork that will inevitably be done and worked thru
I think it lets you save/log your entries so its quite valuable also as a practical journal/diary that gives you both the keys to each others hearts and can be used as both a way to improve things and also a wishlist of future work that will likely (lovingly) need to be done
Its best to maybe start doing a CheckIn each weekend (its too hard to balance work and emotional stuff like this so best to do it when there’s mutual time and space and less antagonising external conditions that make it more difficult to relax and open up). Do it on Sunday so you have last week in whole to reflect upon and both of you do an entry for your biggest thing you each want to focus on
With the “Edit:” this reads like you have the communication issues xD
I have a hard time communicating and functioning with my partner.
How do I better deal with the communication issues
I know it cannot be changed but I can certainly improve on how to process the situation and do better on my part.
I am struggling to understand, communicate, and find ways to function cohesively together
I feel that OP has adequately addressed that the issue is not one-sided or particularly a fault of anyone, just that it is a conflict that they don’t know how to navigate.
*edit typo
I feel that OP has only talked about what his GF can not do, and not at all about what they can’t do.
It’s very difficult for an allistic person to have the perspective, without previous experience, to understand what they might be doing wrong in this scenario, let alone articulate it clearly.
Unfortunately, society generally teaches absolutely nothing about how to safely navigate communicating with autistic people.
Nothing wrong with willingness to learn.
(I am not implying you are saying it is wrong to want to learn! That is just where my logic’s foundation is laid.)
I’m ADHD haha and so I got issues too explaining things just in a different way.
I’m joking but I kinda have a point. It seems to me like you both just gotta chill and not worry too much.
I agree to some degree but chill is not me and she’s chill I guess but not in the casual way just in the silent shy way. Thanks for your input though
