As a normal person with ADHD but otherwise neurotypical, I have a hard time communicating and functioning with my partner.
How do I better deal with the communication issues and honestly she entirely lacks a way to talk, express feelings, be deeper than basic interactions.
My new girlfriend is on the spectrum not high up and at first glance functions fairly normal to onlookers.
But privately and when being close or open its like she says she has a social battery but its always drained according to her, she doesn’t sleep good. Has depression and horrible anxiety. She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it’s kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.
But she deals with major issues of over stimulation like talking or touching when emotions get higher or more complex she defaults to blocking people out and going into herself.
Overwhelming emotions all the time that she cannot explain or process no matter how much she tries writing to me, to be alone and think about them so we can properly discuss, the only answer she comes to is IDK. It’s like she can’t explain emotions and feelings almost at all. Which makes any understanding or functioning insanely difficult borderline impossible due to the one way nature my input and none of her output. She struggles to explain basic thoughts and doesn’t like trying or will attempt to try and get frustrated and upset or scared to try entirely. Which further increases the overwhelming feelings and discomfort. It leaves a void for us. She wants nothing but to do better and grow together but feels trapped in her autism cycle. I know it cannot be changed but I can certainly improve on how to process the situation and do better on my part.
How/what can we introduce methods to better communicate? (we tried writing letters and texting but she can’t explain things and gets confused/frustrated/upset so that is out)
What systems can we introduce and methods we can try improve these feelings?
What are some of your best advices and methods for a normal person to be educated and productive when dealing with an autistic person? So I can be a better partner too.
I am struggling to understand, communicate, and find ways to function cohesively together because for me it’s like… why can’t you try to explain things so we can improve but it always lands into a negative set of emotions. Where she feels sad, cries, gets mad, blames me, depression, anxiety, she’s constantly never ending overwhelmed.
I greatly appreciate the help. I will have open discussions with each of you as needed. Thanks for taking the time to help a normie out!
Edit: Perhaps that was way over stated. All our interactions are not negative but for the sake of the post I was focusing on those aspects to find tools to improve myself and her ability to communicate more effectively.
In no way shape or form are our interactions as basic as that sounded. We function almost entirely normal. Do normal activities, go places, hangout, work and hobbies. When I meant basic interaction I don’t mean she sits on bench and cannot function. I just meant anything outside of typical day to day like intricate displays of emotion or communication about our relationship issues is where the wall hits. Its not trust. Or as dead sounding as that seemed. Its that she lacks ways to articulate her emotions and what to say. Has issues processing.
I was looking at for tools like the emotion wheel. Similar methods. Not a psychological breakdown of her and I.
When I am nonverbal, I have a system with my ADHD roommate where we will use hand squeezes to communicate. She can ask questions, and I will signal yes or no.
“No” with no question asked when we are outside the house means “I need to go to a quiet place (or home,) I’m overstimulated.”
We have other signals for other things, but it’d make sense to tailor a system to you! (Signals I have: “I need food” “I need a bathroom” “What are you thinking (depending on context: about right now/for next)?”)
Having emergency nonverbal communications help a lot in the dynamic feeling more safe as well as removing a huge amount of energy in communicating consistently.
My dynamic with her isn’t perfect by any means but having some systems has helped.
I didn’t use to have such overwhelming issues with explaining how I feel until I had very negative relationships, where every way of expression was described to me as “incorrect” and every avenue I had to express myself was no longer an option.
It creates paralysis. It takes SO much energy trying to find the perfect 1% answer that couldn’t possibly be misunderstood or piss anyone off.
She might be coming out of a similar situation, and learning that expressing herself the way that actually works for her, is actually safe with you, would take time.
And you would have to actually be consistently safe, e.g. asking questions for clarification as the first resort for misunderstanding, rather than policing how it’s said (or assuming ill will by default.)
Misunderstandings with allistics are very very common and being patient (rather than jumping to conclusions) will help over time. And it can take years to build that kind of trust, (if this is even the case here at all.)
This specifically needs extremely direct communication as to when it’s okay to initiate, if it’s something she should ask for, or if there are times it’s not safe to ask or initiate. And a system where she feels safe/comfortable to stop doing that activity without fear of disappointing or hurting you!
(Vaguely saying “it’s okay to stop” is not really a system nor reassuring-- people mean all sorts of things when saying this-- it needs specifics. “We can stop sex, hand holding, or kissing, at any time, for any reason, just pull away when you are ready to be done, and I’ll be okay” is better. “You can check in with nonverbal signals whenever you are unsure of how I feel, or signal when you starting to tap out” can be very solid for not being so fearful of overwhelm.)
Many of my previous relationships were painful because I couldn’t reliably pull back consent, partially because they were shitty but also because I’d become nonverbal or didn’t feel safe. And I didn’t take my own discomfort as a “no” until it was unbearable-- being trained to mask unfortunately trains us to ignore our own body signals-- it should be clear she can absolutely stop before that point.
Not all of this is specifically always tied directly to autism per se, but maybe it’s a place to start in trying to lend her more social battery. Navigating difficult conversations like these every single time they come up, rather than having a systems protocol for it, drains real fast!
Jumping off of what you said: I feel a lot more comfortable when people are very clear and direct about expectations. I hate the feeling that I might be doing something wrong but I’m unsure.