So, as you probably all know, last Sunday was the international womens day. To celebrate some people organized a “no mens” party (everyone was welcome except men). So I got all dressed up (wore a very cozy wool pullover, a skirt and some leggings), did some makeup and went there, since I was helping out at the bar. Another thing I should is, that I am just 3 months into HRT and therefore am not anywhere near passing (especially since I am very tall and have quite a deep voice). Since we were two people at the bar and there werent that many people I quickly went to get some food. So I went to the next “restaurant”, ordered and sat down to wait. this place was focused on “takeaway food” and is therefore quite small. There was this one man, that sat there with a glass of beer in a hand and this motherfucker did not even try to hide, that he was staring at me. He literally turned his head whenever I moved. I guess it wasnt in a sexual way, but I guess he has never seen a “man” wear a skirt and leggings. He did not do anything else, but I was never so glad I could leave a place.
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I can’t help but imagine you blew his mind, and he was staring at you thinking, “holy shit, you can do that? Where can I get a dress in my size?”
Well, probably not, but anyway.
but I guess he has never seen a “man” wear a skirt and leggings.
And he still hasn’t :3
Yeah, but you know what I meant. I still do look very much like a man.
I am also in the “hopefully on the way to passing” stage of transitioning, and the vast majority of stares I get are from older white women. Rarely is it a non white woman, and even rarely is it a man, exlusively white men, and all of them are exclusively 50+. It’s fun to smile brightly, toss my hair, kiss my wife, and watch for their reaction 😆
Maybe this is bad advice, but I will genuinely smile and wave at people who are staring/glaring at me. Or if we’re close enough, I’ll literally say hi and kinda start a conversation. “Oh hi! How are you doing??”
They often don’t know what to do, because in their head you were kind of a figment of their imagination, they never expect you to acknowledge them and actually be pleasant, because they’re so miserable.
Often they’ll just look the other way with their bitchface, but then it’s quite funny that they can’t even handle someone being kind.
Like, do you think I can’t see you looking at me (how stupid are you)? Hi!
haha, I love this so much
As much as possible, I pretend they’re just being friendly or I used to know them. That’s my acting motivation.
It really fucks them up. lol
Sometimes it shocks them out of their staring and you actually talk to them too. Which is especially funny because they begrudgingly go along with it.
I love to kindly torture dickheads, and if it works out maybe they can stop staring at people.
yes, early in transition I got lots of aggressive stares from men. Usually the men who did this were older. I noticed the younger men who would aggressively stare were usually hyper-masculine. It was definitely a minority of men, “not all men, but always men” comes to mind here.
I never really figured out why they stared at me; it didn’t necessarily feel like an obvious intimidation tactic, even though it was obviously very intimidating. Maybe that’s all it is, but I sorta wish I figured out what was in their head as they stared.
Definitely be safe out there, maybe make sure to start going out with friends and other women, and esp. be careful with bathrooms. Might be good to know where there are safe unisex bathrooms you can use, for example.
In general it’s good to remember people will still think you’re a man based on how you look and sound, and they will react to you that way, so early transition might not be the best time to go into women-only spaces unless you want to deal with the resulting drama and fallout from people feeling that a man is invading that space. During that time I found it helpful to be invited into those spaces by other women, and to navigate women-only spaces with women there with me who can vouch for me.
Personally this period of transition was when I felt like feminization was literally a survival strategy for me, so this was when I started really investing in getting good at makeup, fashion, hair care, etc.
Also, voice training should be a top priority as well (if your goal is to look, sound, and live as a woman, etc.).
EDIT: I know it’s a lot, but it does get better the further in your transition you go. I’m sorry for these experiences, I really don’t know what’s wrong with people.
I never really figured out why they stared at me; it didn’t necessarily feel like an obvious intimidation tactic, even though it was obviously very intimidating. Maybe that’s all it is, but I sorta wish I figured out what was in their head as they stared.
Honestly, sometimes if they might be dumb as shit and they don’t necessarily know they’re staring. Or that they shouldn’t be obviously staring.
The Venn diagram of hyper-masculine men and very stupid men approaches a circle.
Not that it helps, but it might explain why it doesn’t feel like an intentional intimidation tactic. They’re just plain dumb.
Full disclosure, in one instance, I have been that staring man, only out of specific curiosity and never out of hostility. There was an employee at Microcenter that transitioned, and I honestly couldn’t tell if it was the same employee I recognized from their pre-transition days. So I tried to subtly figure it out without verbally asking and still probably ended up making it uncomfortable.
oh, there’s a difference between that kind of peeking-to-see style staring, and the kind of staring we’re talking about.
Here are some examples of the staring we’re talking about:
1. I walk into a grocery store (this is early transition, so I look more or less like a man in a dress, or a man in a skirt with a blouse, etc.). On the opposite end of the store, there is a group of 20-something men who are all blonde with athletic haircuts, wearing sleeveless shirts showing off their muscular arms, and they’re talking to an older man. When I walk in, all of them start to turn and look at me. They continue to look at me as they talk and move about the store. I am still grocery shopping and minutes later they’re still just openly staring, not looking away when I look up at them. They don’t stop until they leave the store.
2. I am having dinner with three other women (I’m the only trans one, and I still look like a man in a dress). We’re sitting outside on a picnic bench, and there multiple rows of benches. Sitting diagonal to my right is a man maybe in his 50s with his family. Every time I look up, he’s looking at me. He doesn’t look away, even when I meet his eyes. This lasts over an hour, the sun sets and he’s still staring at me.
This is different from normal people staring at me or taking glances because I was visibly trans and they were curious, e.g. one time I was at a table in a restaurant the family next to us started to peek and look at me because at some point in the evening I outed myself and ended up on their radar, but the family sorta had their initial look and curiosity fulfilled, and then went back to their evening. This is a different kind of staring than what OP and I are describing, which is more like the intense / unwavering stare that some (in my experience usually only older, or hyper-masculine) men will do.
Anyway, don’t worry too much about the worker you took a glance at, it’s very unlikely you were perceived as one of these aggressive men.
I really appreciate the explanation. I’m glad that is not what I did and disgusted, but not surprised in the least, that other men do that shit.
Hm, maybe - though I’m more inclined to think they just don’t have appropriate social shame (i.e. they’re socially “dumb” or less considerate). Maybe transgressing social norms by appearing as “a man in a dress” pushes them to feel like they have a moral license to violate social politeness norms by staring? I’ve noticed even transphobic women don’t tend to stare, which makes me wonder why - maybe women are just more polite / less likely to violate social norms?
I still can’t disambiguate the reason for the staring, though - it doesn’t feel like neutral curiosity, there is an intimidating or hostile component to the staring, but that never felt like a full or complete explanation. Something always felt weirdly sexual about it, but not that they were sexually interested, which makes it hard for me to pinpoint the vibe exactly.
I kind of get the feeling that they’re seeing us as sexual objects that the rules don’t apply to, so they might be able to do whatever they want to us without consequence. One of those things is violating social norms by staring excessively, so even if they’re not really interested sexually they might take advantage of what they see as free real estate. Idk it definitely feels like a precursor to a really bad time.
I got wished a “happy women’s day!” on Sunday, and the way they said it, this hushed whisper tone, made me think that she’d clocked me, but honestly I’m not sure. 🙃
Sorry, what does “clocking someone” mean? I tried to look it up but could only find explanations like: hit someone, especially in the face or alternatively measuring something with a clock/metronome.
From context: Is it related to fooling someone?
In this context means “notice that someone is trans”.
glad you got to do a thing but oof wish strangers could be less creepy.
You wish strangers could be creepy? 🤨
less creepy, oops
Hehe
