Ok, full disclosure here: I’m not trans but I’ve been trying to help my trans daughter for years, so I do have maybe a useful opinion. But feel free to ignore me.
If you’re being misgendered by people who have known you for years, especially older people, please be patient with them. Even if they are fully supportive, it can be very hard for them to rewire to use the right gender in language. Just gently correct them each time, especially if they apologize when you do; they’ll get it eventually but it can take years. If someone does not apologize, or appear to try, maybe get someone else to talk to them on your behalf - not aggressively, but just pointing out that they wouldn’t like to be misgendered as it’s a sign of disrespect. And if they still don’t listen, just cut them out of you’re life - you are worth more than that.
For strangers, if you are mtf and on hrt and have some visible chest, they should know that you are female even if other queues are ‘confusing’. That means if they misgendering you, they are being ignorant assholes and not worthy of your concern in my opinion. Of course you want to pass 100% and it’s upsetting you because it’s feedback that there are queues that they are seeing/hearing that you haven’t been able to change, and that’s totally valid (of course in general, anything you feel is valid, feelings are just what you feel). Try not to focus on not being at your end goal, it’s not a race - you know who you are which is what really matters, and you can keep working on physical things - but recognize that there are lots of things and it takes time (and money) to get to where you want to be. It’s a long journey - try to find the small incremental improvements rewarding!

Hey! You’re very very pretty, I honestly doubt it has to do anything with your appearance girl. But I get it. It was especially bad for me until I started asking what the main things that trigger certain cis friends who are supportive into a gut reaction are.

For me it was how my hair was to start, along with a 5 o clock shadow I’m cursed with but slowly gets better with laser. Those two things were the biggest things… Next to my struggle to come to a new name.

My deadname is one that, while technically now being used for little girls, is not traditionally used for women and most people do not recognize (well… register may be a better term here) it in their head as such. Changing that has helped lots, even though I changed it to something more feminine-leaning neutral as I was identifying NB at the time.

Nowadays, along with HRT slowly but surely doing its work, the big tell I’m told about is my voice.

Personally I think I also struggle with a box-y frame skeletally… But I’m usually assured on that. Tbh I think there’s a chance I just wanna be cute and don’t know if I’ll ever be able to achieve that because of this…

I hope this helps you at all girl <3

The thing about ‘reading’ someone is that most humans who don’t know you look for visual cues to decide how to interact with you.

For people who do know you, for some it can take a lot of time for them to re-wire their brain to use the proper pronouns. It took several family members (all very supportive) about five years to finally get my pronouns (she/her) down, simply because my old name and pronouns were just so automatic to them having known me for literal decades before I came out (almost 10 years ago).

It’s easy to get frustrated and down, though its important to remember that it’s a normal part of transition. It’s not just you who is transitioning, but also family and friends around you: the relationships you have with other people transition as well whether we realise it or not.

Small things help a lot: mode of dress (note: not just wearing dresses), jewellery, hair style, mannerisms, voice (not just pitch, but intonation - feminine voices have a ‘musical’ presentation), make up and grooming (even something simple as basic skin care/sunscreen), and so on.

Name can help, but remember that names don’t really matter in situations where you’re not giving it anyway, so you need to rely on other cues to be ‘read’. Names are a deeply personal thing; you shouldn’t change your name just because you feel like it might alter your misgendering rate.

If you do decide to change your name, I’d strongly encourage considering names that were common around the year you were born in your country (or your country of birth), as it can be another flag to help people ‘read’ you correctly.

The more small things you add together, the easier it is for someone to ‘read’ you correctly. All humans do it when they’re interacting with someone for the first time or when they don’t know the other person.

It’s hard work, it took me several years to work out what worked for me. I’m almost always a t-shirt, jeans and boots type, though earrings (just a pair of simple sleeper loops I never take out), hair style, and getting the intonation part of my voice down certainly helped.

I almost never get misgendered these days, even though my voice is a bit deeper than most other women I know. Intonation does a lot of heavy lifting.

Don’t lose hope, and don’t give up. You’ll find what works for you eventually.

Hi there dearie. Firstly, if you have not been told it yet today: You are pretty, you are valid, and you are doing awesome.

Ultimately, what I have found in life is a simple truth: Who we are is not invalidated by people being or choosing to be wrong. You are a wonderful lady who sounds lovely, acts lovely, and have made a highly personal choice to keep your first-given name, and if someone is ignorant or a tool, own their being wrong. You are not obligated to correct them or fight them and chances are they want you to be upset. You sparkle on without giving them airtime and they are left stewing in their pot of toxicity. You have come so far, and they are merely spinning their tires and taking it out on you. It would be pitiful if not for hatred being their recourse.

I feel so demoralized and uncomfortable on the daily when interacting with cis people because they seem to constantly disappoint.

Not all(or even most!) cisfolk are bad, but there is unfortunately a great many more tools than there are allies, and the indifferent might not be trying to offend or do wrong but are simply unknowing and unwillingly in the wrong. You might find the book series The Mimosa Confessions quite a good read(though CW in that it portrays the bullying, isolating and violence that happens towards transfolk, but it portrays it in order to shine a light on how terrible it all is). It talks about cisfolk coming to terms with someone they knew to various degrees being who they never thought they were(ie, Trans), and the various reactions(including the CW) that occur. You might connect with it and especially Ushio given what poor Ushio has to go through.

Sparkle on Queer Dear, you are loved, and so so amazing. “Let the rain wash away the pain of yesterday,” and do not let others’ ignorance or arrogance be anything more than an amusement. We cannot allow folks to demoralize and discomfort us, same is true of other things but it is especially important for Transfolk, since no matter what you do, no matter how much you try, no matter how much you may appeal to good nature, tools will stay tools and try to snuff out your light. And you cannot let them do that.

Yeah, even with changing my name, clothes, wearing makeup, etc., I still get misgendered constantly. It’s most egregious at work since there are people from all over the country working remotely, and many “don’t believe in trans people” or whatever, even though my pronouns are visible in lots of places. But even in my pretty progressive city, I still get it a fair amount in person. I’m planning to get facial feminization and about 50% of that is to be less likely to be misgendered and/or attacked.