Some call it a friendship recession: a time when close male friendships sink to their lowest. Here’s how friendships for straight men fall to the wayside – and what could bring them together
As a straight man, every straight man I’ve ever been friends with has eventually simply made me so tired to be around them.
Like, times are hard. But then we just collectively… have unmet needs, and so many of us deal so badly with them. It just seems like straight men inevitably make it everyone else’s problem.
I have heard the same old thing so many times-- to have a friend, be a friend. Reach out. Listen, be empathetic, blah blah blah. And I wind up hanging out with some douchebag thinking to myself why am I in the same room with this fucking guy. Before I know it he’s drunk or desperate for a long, long hug from being so touch starved, or he lets his guard down and casually says some slur. I don’t have the patience to be friends with straight men. I don’t have the patience to start to try.
You gotta meet some other straight men, maybe younger. But for your own sake don’t settle on this way of thinking.
Unfortunately, for myself, I’ve been burned nearly every time there. Not ruling out the possibility of friendship with cis/het men but, I’ve got too much of my own shit to deal with, making my patience for problematic behavior or taking on someone else’s emotional load pretty low.
This is a really unhealthy worldview to carry around about cis men.
Unfortunately, it is in part a reality. Not that it’s the fault of cis/het men that society has willfully and unconscionably failed them, but, in general, cis/het men need a lot of growth and personal development that they often are not aware of.
it’s nice you all found well balanced queer people to befriend but keep in mind we also may not be as mentally put together as you perceive. i say this as a gay dude with lots of issues.
There’s a lot of people out there with mental health issues. Poor mental health doesn’t discriminate and doesn’t really target a single group. What’s important to myself is that people are aware of their own health, honest about it and make an effort to deal with it in their own way.
I tend to find queer people to be a lot more open and accepting of others and their differences in general. Especially in comparison to the straight people who I’ve been around in my personal experiences.
Also, I have Autism and ADHD. I’ve stumbled through life and the people who I’ve felt the closest connections with also had differenly wired brains. The queer people I have met accept me just as I am.
I know I’d have more friends who identified as straight if they learned how to love themselves and care for their overall health. I can also say that about practically any other group of people as well.
However I can appreciate the uphill struggle to love a queer self in a straight dominated world. That’s a steep hill to climb and most people are doing it with very little support. It’s easy to see how some people just can’t mentally handle it.
This has also been my experience. Then again, I always had problems dealing with mainstream straight guys, even as a kid. Growing up with untreated AuADHD and being a massive nerd really didn’t make things easy. As an adult, it’s been really hard to find friends in my own gender/orientation as nearly every one of them that I come across seems to let the mask slip a bit and say or do something very problematic.
So, I decided to drop that cohort and start intentionally socializing with people in more LGBTQ-heavy spaces. It’s done wonders for the social anxiety that I developed over years of doing little but work too much. Now I’ve got some budding friendships with people from all across the LGBTQ+ rainbow and people encouraging me to be emotional vulnerabile (in a healthy way). It’s pretty fucking fantastic.
I guess the lesson to learn from this is that straight guys should go to therapy to deal with their problems (and learn more about their emotions) and seek friendship with LGBTQ+ people (and look out for and stand up for them, when they need it).
What spaces would that be? I’m in the same boat, undiagnosed AuDHD for most of my life until very recently, have always been the odd one out, mostly interested in nerd stuff, little energy to deal with people… I’d love to get in touch with LGBTQ folks but have no idea where to start (yeah sure, there are a lot of places online, but I’d prefer actual face-to-face activities)
I’m in the same boat, undiagnosed AuDHD for most of my life until very recent
We are in almost exactly the same boat. Didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until about 7 years ago. Then, once initial ADHD was a bit under control, the ASD side of things became more apparent.
What spaces would that be?
…
I’d love to get in touch with LGBTQ folks but have no idea where to start (yeah sure, there are a lot of places online, but I’d prefer actual face-to-face activities)
It really depends on your interests. I’ve had some good success with sex-positive/kink communities (still in an extended initial exploration of the latter). There’s a surprising amount of neurodiverse and wonderfully nerdy presence there as well as extraordinary levels of inclusivity. Probably the best places to go looking are event-oriented sites and apps (probably give apps by dating companies a miss).
Even if that isn’t quite your thing, I might recommend trying out “Plura” (formerly Bloom, I think), if there’s presence in your area. There are a lot of events that pop up that are not sexuality or kink related as well as, at least in my area, frequent free and reasonable cost seminars. These are often covering topics that are of potential use for neurodivergent people as well as more neurotypical people who have experienced trauma and/or, like many straight men, are not very knowledgeable/skilled with their emotions.
I live near a large city so my options are quite open. I was able to find queer events within that city quite easily. Eventbrite.com has pages and pages of events available for me.
I went to a few that focused on meeting queer people. Halloween parties, board game nights, trivia. You may also find events under neurodiverse labels as well. There would definitely be some overlap with the queer community there too.
I chose a therapist that worked with queer people and people who have alternative lifestyles. She was the one who made that suggestion to me and that was probably the most helpful thing she had done for me.
Hopefully you have some luck, I imagine it would be difficult to find queer communities in less populates areas.
My favorite events, so far. Getting to hang out with new-to-me nerds and play games that I’ve never heard of is a blast.
I chose a therapist that worked with queer people and people who have alternative lifestyles. She was the one who made that suggestion to me
Funnily enough, my therapist made similar recommendations. Having not ever fit in well with other cis/het guys, intentionally seeking out people in the queer space and those living alternate lifestyles has been a breath of fresh air.
The city I’m living in is not that small, fortunately, so there probably are some options that I just don’t know of yet.
Was it hard for you to get into groups? My social anxiety kicks in just thinking about meeting new people, though that likely stems from past experiences with NT folk
I have pretty bad social anxiety but I also am able to let my adhd do the driving. I’ve travelled and live abroad in foreign places but to my friends and family back home I’m nearly non-verbal. All that to say I feel like I live a very hypocritical life.
I behave differently based on the situation. My first queer social meet up was a bit strange. It was 95% women and I felt completely out of place. I ended up just talking to a guy for most of the night and as I was leaving, ended up meeting a bunch of other people. One of them happened to be going to the same concert as me the following week. We exchanged numbers and now her and I are super close friends.
I generally arrive to these events with an open mind and a genuine smile and that’s enough for people to come talk to me. It can feel very intimidating at first but even getting out there at all is a huge step in the right direction. If you don’t meet people the first time, there will always be another event. Becoming a regular face also helps other people coming to introduce themselves to you.
I’m awful for going up and introducing myself to others so I look for ways to be more inviting for people to come talk to me. It’s not as direct but I’ve found some wonderful people that way. Whatever works is good enough for me :)
I also find many men to be extremely exhausting. I basically lost all my male friends since 2020. The majority of them just refused to look inwards to address their mental health. The few who did make efforts to work on their mental health still managed to say some wildy fucked up things that made me stop trying to stay connected.
Nearly all of them are trapped in a cycle of complaining about the same mistakes they continue to make. There’s no going forward. I no longer have the energy to stay around that mindset.
Since then I’ve turned to the queer community and I’ve begun meeting genuine people who I feel comfortable being around. The connection I feel with them has been deep and has happened so quickly. It’s a feeling that has been completely absent with any male friends I’ve had in the past.
It would be nice to teach any lonely guy to not be so afraid of anything or anyone that is different. Sadly they wouldn’t want to listen. It’s simply too easy to spread blame and continue to complain.
From my experience, it’s hard to help others if I can’t help myself first. After doing some intense self reflection, it’s helped me to understand the type of solidarity I need to look out for in the future.
At the very least, I can be more mentally prepared to take future opportunities that rise up. Although deep down I feel that I’m going to have to a lot more to defend the vulnerable and those that I deeply care about.
If more people were willing to fight through the pain and discomfort of self reflection, solidarity against the powerful few wouldn’t seem like such an intimidating mountain. But that’s just what I believe.
As a straight man, every straight man I’ve ever been friends with has eventually simply made me so tired to be around them.
Like, times are hard. But then we just collectively… have unmet needs, and so many of us deal so badly with them. It just seems like straight men inevitably make it everyone else’s problem.
I have heard the same old thing so many times-- to have a friend, be a friend. Reach out. Listen, be empathetic, blah blah blah. And I wind up hanging out with some douchebag thinking to myself why am I in the same room with this fucking guy. Before I know it he’s drunk or desperate for a long, long hug from being so touch starved, or he lets his guard down and casually says some slur. I don’t have the patience to be friends with straight men. I don’t have the patience to start to try.
You gotta meet some other straight men, maybe younger. But for your own sake don’t settle on this way of thinking.
This is a really unhealthy worldview to carry around about cis men.
Unfortunately, for myself, I’ve been burned nearly every time there. Not ruling out the possibility of friendship with cis/het men but, I’ve got too much of my own shit to deal with, making my patience for problematic behavior or taking on someone else’s emotional load pretty low.
Unfortunately, it is in part a reality. Not that it’s the fault of cis/het men that society has willfully and unconscionably failed them, but, in general, cis/het men need a lot of growth and personal development that they often are not aware of.
it’s nice you all found well balanced queer people to befriend but keep in mind we also may not be as mentally put together as you perceive. i say this as a gay dude with lots of issues.
There’s a lot of people out there with mental health issues. Poor mental health doesn’t discriminate and doesn’t really target a single group. What’s important to myself is that people are aware of their own health, honest about it and make an effort to deal with it in their own way.
I tend to find queer people to be a lot more open and accepting of others and their differences in general. Especially in comparison to the straight people who I’ve been around in my personal experiences.
Also, I have Autism and ADHD. I’ve stumbled through life and the people who I’ve felt the closest connections with also had differenly wired brains. The queer people I have met accept me just as I am.
I know I’d have more friends who identified as straight if they learned how to love themselves and care for their overall health. I can also say that about practically any other group of people as well.
However I can appreciate the uphill struggle to love a queer self in a straight dominated world. That’s a steep hill to climb and most people are doing it with very little support. It’s easy to see how some people just can’t mentally handle it.
This has also been my experience. Then again, I always had problems dealing with mainstream straight guys, even as a kid. Growing up with untreated AuADHD and being a massive nerd really didn’t make things easy. As an adult, it’s been really hard to find friends in my own gender/orientation as nearly every one of them that I come across seems to let the mask slip a bit and say or do something very problematic.
So, I decided to drop that cohort and start intentionally socializing with people in more LGBTQ-heavy spaces. It’s done wonders for the social anxiety that I developed over years of doing little but work too much. Now I’ve got some budding friendships with people from all across the LGBTQ+ rainbow and people encouraging me to be emotional vulnerabile (in a healthy way). It’s pretty fucking fantastic.
I guess the lesson to learn from this is that straight guys should go to therapy to deal with their problems (and learn more about their emotions) and seek friendship with LGBTQ+ people (and look out for and stand up for them, when they need it).
What spaces would that be? I’m in the same boat, undiagnosed AuDHD for most of my life until very recently, have always been the odd one out, mostly interested in nerd stuff, little energy to deal with people… I’d love to get in touch with LGBTQ folks but have no idea where to start (yeah sure, there are a lot of places online, but I’d prefer actual face-to-face activities)
We are in almost exactly the same boat. Didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until about 7 years ago. Then, once initial ADHD was a bit under control, the ASD side of things became more apparent.
It really depends on your interests. I’ve had some good success with sex-positive/kink communities (still in an extended initial exploration of the latter). There’s a surprising amount of neurodiverse and wonderfully nerdy presence there as well as extraordinary levels of inclusivity. Probably the best places to go looking are event-oriented sites and apps (probably give apps by dating companies a miss).
Even if that isn’t quite your thing, I might recommend trying out “Plura” (formerly Bloom, I think), if there’s presence in your area. There are a lot of events that pop up that are not sexuality or kink related as well as, at least in my area, frequent free and reasonable cost seminars. These are often covering topics that are of potential use for neurodivergent people as well as more neurotypical people who have experienced trauma and/or, like many straight men, are not very knowledgeable/skilled with their emotions.
I live near a large city so my options are quite open. I was able to find queer events within that city quite easily. Eventbrite.com has pages and pages of events available for me.
I went to a few that focused on meeting queer people. Halloween parties, board game nights, trivia. You may also find events under neurodiverse labels as well. There would definitely be some overlap with the queer community there too.
I chose a therapist that worked with queer people and people who have alternative lifestyles. She was the one who made that suggestion to me and that was probably the most helpful thing she had done for me.
Hopefully you have some luck, I imagine it would be difficult to find queer communities in less populates areas.
My favorite events, so far. Getting to hang out with new-to-me nerds and play games that I’ve never heard of is a blast.
Funnily enough, my therapist made similar recommendations. Having not ever fit in well with other cis/het guys, intentionally seeking out people in the queer space and those living alternate lifestyles has been a breath of fresh air.
The city I’m living in is not that small, fortunately, so there probably are some options that I just don’t know of yet.
Was it hard for you to get into groups? My social anxiety kicks in just thinking about meeting new people, though that likely stems from past experiences with NT folk
I have pretty bad social anxiety but I also am able to let my adhd do the driving. I’ve travelled and live abroad in foreign places but to my friends and family back home I’m nearly non-verbal. All that to say I feel like I live a very hypocritical life.
I behave differently based on the situation. My first queer social meet up was a bit strange. It was 95% women and I felt completely out of place. I ended up just talking to a guy for most of the night and as I was leaving, ended up meeting a bunch of other people. One of them happened to be going to the same concert as me the following week. We exchanged numbers and now her and I are super close friends.
I generally arrive to these events with an open mind and a genuine smile and that’s enough for people to come talk to me. It can feel very intimidating at first but even getting out there at all is a huge step in the right direction. If you don’t meet people the first time, there will always be another event. Becoming a regular face also helps other people coming to introduce themselves to you.
I’m awful for going up and introducing myself to others so I look for ways to be more inviting for people to come talk to me. It’s not as direct but I’ve found some wonderful people that way. Whatever works is good enough for me :)
I also find many men to be extremely exhausting. I basically lost all my male friends since 2020. The majority of them just refused to look inwards to address their mental health. The few who did make efforts to work on their mental health still managed to say some wildy fucked up things that made me stop trying to stay connected.
Nearly all of them are trapped in a cycle of complaining about the same mistakes they continue to make. There’s no going forward. I no longer have the energy to stay around that mindset.
Since then I’ve turned to the queer community and I’ve begun meeting genuine people who I feel comfortable being around. The connection I feel with them has been deep and has happened so quickly. It’s a feeling that has been completely absent with any male friends I’ve had in the past.
It would be nice to teach any lonely guy to not be so afraid of anything or anyone that is different. Sadly they wouldn’t want to listen. It’s simply too easy to spread blame and continue to complain.
I guess we’re kinda forced to do some self reflecting, at the cost of being mentally fucked up from being hunted for sport by right wingers
From my experience, it’s hard to help others if I can’t help myself first. After doing some intense self reflection, it’s helped me to understand the type of solidarity I need to look out for in the future.
At the very least, I can be more mentally prepared to take future opportunities that rise up. Although deep down I feel that I’m going to have to a lot more to defend the vulnerable and those that I deeply care about.
If more people were willing to fight through the pain and discomfort of self reflection, solidarity against the powerful few wouldn’t seem like such an intimidating mountain. But that’s just what I believe.