Elementary school, I think it was second grade. Our class went to the music room for our hour with the music teacher. First girls in the room saw him at his computer looking at pictures of himself with naked girls doing gymnastics. I was in the back and didn’t see it but I heard later he created the pictures with Photoshop. The weeks after that everyone was interviewed about him, mostly focusing on the girls. He would often have them sit on his lap during class (this was the 80s and we were young, didn’t seem weird at the time).

The cool thing about the whole situation was I had called him a bad name the day before and he said I was going to get a referral (bad note on my record). He was gone before he had a chance.

In middle school, a kid got caught masturbating in study hall. I never saw him again after that. Word was that he moved away out of embarrassment. Parents probably just home schooled him or something.

In a completely different direction, my class was broke the “suicide school” moniker. We were the first graduating class in like 10 years to not have a suicide.

We had a few days a year when lessons were suspended and students attended self organized activities instead.

An entire class decided to sneak out instead, went to a bar and some students got drunk before coming back to school. One such student went to the bathroom, zipped up his pants without properly storing his equipment and ended up requiring medical attention including some stitches.

I never met the guy or even know who he was, but the whole school was talking about it for a week or more.

Someone (allegedly) fucked the principal’s dog

Nothing as fun, but just a heavy corruption scandal. The director of the school was apparently pocketing a lot of the money from school funding initiatives, and offloading a lot of the purchases that were supposed to be done onto the last year students. I remember our class being chosen to buy new furniture for an entire classroom in the name of “giving something back”.

A kid in our high school went on national news and said he could procure weed in the school in less than 3 minutes. He then proved it. Made national headlines and became a big topic in parliament.

Of course they went looking for the stoner, found him, and then asked him to source the source of what made him stoned. Kinda self-explanatory but the news didn’t seem to think so.

Oh, and in primary school, I think I was “the incident”. I hacked the schools computer network and made all PCs boot into a message that read “Teachers are dumb”. It really wasn’t very sophisticated, at all, but shut the computers down for a week while they had “experts” in to clean them up.

When I told the expert that having the PCs optionally boot from floppy and this allowed me full access to all the PCs, including the control server through which they distributed autoexec.bat updates to them all … well he sold me like I was some kind of sophisticated wiz-kid that needed containment. I got a life time ban from the computer labs. The kid that squeeled on was ostracised by everyone else (I had made up with him quite quickly, I knew I shouldn’t have told him and sort of blamed myself).

I mean, being the little shit I was, I sneaked past my teachers and pulled the fire alarm and gave everyone in school an unscheduled fire drill.

Teacher had a relationship with a student. When he got caught, the court forbade him from having contact with the student. Some teachers went over to his house and caught him with the student anyway. He ended up in jail for a number of years.

I don’t know if all of these are scandals, but certainly bad behavior:

1. Banned interracial dating until 1999 and kind of held the position that they were right to do so until 2008.
2. Kicked out a lot of people for being gay, but the girls handing out blowies were fine since they repented.
3. Kicked out some dude for watching Glee (to be fair he was a bit of a trouble maker and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back)
4. Smoke bombs in the dorm at 2am
5. Installed Chuck Phelps on their board which helped spark an independent investigation about the school’s response to accusations of sexual assault. The school cancelled the investigation prior to release of the findings but eventually reversed that decision after a lot of pressure. The investigation found that the school would blame victims, accusing them of bitterness and breaking up their families by reporting incidents to the police.

• The reason Chuck Phelps kicked this thing off is because a member of his church, Ernest Willis, raped an underage age girl (I will call her V for victim, but her name is public if you care to find it). V was kicked out of the church’s highschool (not my school, btw) and forced to stand in front of the congregation and publicly apologize for her part in being raped. Despite V’s wishes to see through her pregnancy while living with her grandparents Chuck Phelps worked with V’s parents to send her to a pastor friend of his in Colorado where she was instructed not to tell anyone about the circumstances of her pregnancy. Chuck Phelps then sent out a survey to a number of religious families in an attempt to help V find an adopted home for her child. That’s fine except the survey was sort of a grade on the potential new families religiousness, so V’s child was basically raised in the same manufactured hell that lead to her situation.

6. Girl was repeatedly raped by her pastor grandfather. When he was eventually arrested her pastor father gladly continued the family tradition.
7. Kid converted to Christianity and realizing his abuse of prescription pills was a sin he turned himself in and asked for help. He was expelled immediately for abusing drugs.
8. Kid died of cancer and was heralded as a saint. Another girl was strangled to death by her boyfriend in the back seat of his car. Her tomb was vandalized by his friends after he was arrested. The school never acknowledged her death. Cancer gets you multiple chapel services and a day off to go to funerals and vigils, but murder gets you ignored.

• That same girl had some problems with drugs in the past and had served a stint in juvi for a possession charge, but she had really turned her life around and was an absolute delight to everyone who knew her. She had the best laugh and I’m glad we got to be friends. If there’s a heaven I’m sure she’s smiling playing the same guitar she got in trouble for owning. Also writing this made me miss her more. Fuck that shit. EDIT: Apparently her mother started a push to revisit domestic violence legislation and justice and has been working with a women’s shelter to this day to try and prevent anyone else suffering as her daughter did. Props to her mom and if you find yourself in a dangerous situation please seek help. There are resources for you, many anonymous. And if you’re in a situation to donate or help others, just do it.

9. My cousin got expelled . . . twice . . . for “smoking weed. Like A LOT of weed!”

Then I changed schools.

1. Pedos in the administration
2. Girl got run over while J-Walking and died not too long after
3. Someone’s throat was randomly slit open on the main walkway as part of a gang initiation
4. Group of students were holding a protest which involved stepping on the flag of the United States. A self righteous attention seeker who had been formerly dis-honorably discharged from the military stole their flag and was making statements about how no-one should ever disrespect the flag. In response there was a minor black panthers movement and a student published a manifesto about how all people are children of Africa therefore we are all Africans and black people need to rise up and start killing all white people and that we was going to bring a gun to school on a certain day. He brought a gun that day, but because he had the foresight to broadcast his plans in a very public manifesto the police had their eye on him. He ended up abandoning his bag with a gun once he noticed the police and fled across state lines. He was caught within a week (I think he was turned in by one of his friends).

There was a kid that shit his pants at my middle school. Left a little nugget that slid out of his basketball shorts in the hallway. I guess there was also some on his seat which nobody noticed until a girl in the next class sat in it.

One of the teachers put cameras in the girls toilets (age range 5-9). Got let off because he was “and upstanding member of society” with his long tenure at the school taken into account.

Grade school: teacher fired for passing failing students so he wouldn’t have to deal with them next year. This was before “no child left behind” existed. At the end of one of the school years a girl tripped and fell and somehow got a metal tent spike through her neck. She was ok, just had a wicked scar.

Middle school: someone did the old flush the fireworks thing and somehow revealed a major flaw in the plumbing that required demolishing a whole building. We didn’t have water on campus for the last month. This was in Phoenix and it was getting stupid hot, so that whole month was half days.

High school: At the end of the year before I started a bunch of students got arrested for using an empty science lab to make meth. In my junior year there was a party that got a couple kids killed in a drive by.

The baseball team at my high school would haze freshmen by sodomizing them with a baseball bat. This made it to the news and we suddenly didn’t have a senior baseball team that year.

Besides the school shooting? Wish I was kidding. On a more fun note, another quiet kid decided to just rub his shit all over the walls with red food coloring to make it look bloody. Also had a fight club ring pop up at lunch with 4-5 concurrent fights before it got broken up.

Teacher broke my arm for writing left-handed.