After multiple years of merely surviving, I am faced with the problem of how to start living again. I’m really struggling with the dimensionality of the problem, and I am wondering how y’all would approach this. My aim with this question is not just to receive advice relevant to my situation, but to discuss more generally different approaches to this problem.
I only realised how bad things had become when I moved home. I know that I have more stuff than I need, but because I feel like I’ve been living mostly on autopilot, regular decluttering heuristics haven’t been helpful; if I get rid of everything I haven’t used in X time, then I’d get rid of most things I own. Even before I moved, there was a feedback loop where when I needed to use an item, it was never where I expected it to be, so I never used it. Then the more that this happened, the more that stuff would be boxed away, out of sight out of mind. In the past, I’ve found it useful to put away items in the first place I looked for them, but that doesn’t work for items that I don’t know how to begin searching for them; I don’t have much in the way of categories, so I often end up rummaging in boxes of assorted objects.
Part of this problem is that I definitely need to buy some more storage furniture, like shelves or drawers, but it’s hard to do that if I don’t know how many different categories there are, or how large they are. Sometimes it’s possible to come at the organisation from the opposite direction and say “given the storage available to me, what items do I need and how should I arrange them?”, but I have so much of a blank slate that I don’t know where to start. It’s like trying to solve the equation “a + b + c = 20”: there are too many unknowns and I get swamped by all the possibilities. I’m good at solving problems when I’m given a set of constraints and a goal, but I’m overwhelmed by having to devise the constraints and goals from scratch. I tried to start with building a baseline and carving out spaces or categories for the things I currently use, but my current baseline is so low that I complete that task quite quickly, and it only emphasises that my life, as it is now, is not enough for me.
I know that I need to ground my approach in the life that I want to lead, so that I can start making progress towards it. However, if I build systems intended to be used by the ideal version of me, I will end up with something that is incompatible with the current, emotionally broken version of me. These two versions of me are in tension with each other, and the overarching challenge is finding a route from one to the other. I don’t know where to start though. I feel like I should be interrogating myself about what I actually want, but I feel ill-equipped to answer that question after many months of deprioritising my hopes or wants because of struggling to survive. I feel scared to want anything, because there are so many unknowns that I don’t have a sense of what’s possible. An added complexity is that I am autistic, and thus really struggle without a routine. With so much uncertainty, I am feeling unanchored, and the basics of survival are taking up so much of my executive function and burning me out. Structure begets structure for people like me, but it’s hard to crystallise some certainty if you don’t have anything to build around.
So please tell me if you have experienced this kind of unanchored-ness, and what helped you to move past it? If you’ve ever had to build your life and your space from scratch, how did you tackle the problem of carving out categories? I imagine that if you have faced this problem, that it may be something you grapple with on an ongoing basis rather than solving outright. If so, how did you manage to continue living a life that was in construction (I find that partly built systems can fall apart due to regular life demands pulling your attention and effort away before you’ve routinized the new thing). What advice have you found helpful in the past?
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If you’re looking for books, there are a couple that might be some help. First one I’ve read and is good to start. Second one is on my todo list.
Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD
Order from Chaos The Everyday Grind of Staying Organized with Adult ADHD by Jaclyn Paul
Generally I think it’s helpful to both start top down and bottom up at the same time. Get some little clear bins that latch. Put things that seem to belong in a bin then use painters tape and a marker to describe it. Tape because it’s cheap and very easy to reconfigure what a bin is for of things change. a lot easier to change what doesn’t work once you have started.
I have moved so often,that my wife more or less demanded that my wedding vowels include that we never will move without a professional company again. And I don’t mean “within the same city”. Multiple countries around the world, 17.000km are the furthest in one step, in total close to 100k km. Once intercontinental mere months after a life altering injury and only weeks since the last hospital stay(bonus: Wife was preggo as well and suffering a lot). So I have some experience with being unanchored and getting it back on track under hard conditions.
First and foremost: Take it slow.
Getting your life “back on track” is a marathon,not a sprint.
Surviving everyday life is already hard enough and the extra effort for"getting back on track" isn’t possible every day. That’s simply unrealistic. Especially in the beginning everything is often so improvised that it needs extra effort which in turn then leads to less energy to actually fix things. That’s normal. We are all human.
Next important point: Don’t make a big concept. IT.WONT.WORK. Planning ahead massively and have one big plan how you want to organise everything, do this and that,etc. just costs you time,sometimes money and a lot of energy. And by the time you arrive at step XY the circumstances have changed and you need to redo everything. Or not. You will never fulfill such a plan fully - and that can often drain motivation to actually do things from one.
Another one: Little organisation, little steps, little successes. I love Kanban boards for that. Make a “Small plan”. “organising the cable drawers” is currently on mine. “Buy bins” “Print Labels for USB-C cables”,“Enter cables into snipeit” are tasks on it. It doesn’t take much to enter these, each task is small enough to be done in half an hour. And it gives you a good sense of accomplishment - you visually see that you have moved two or three tasks in the “Finished” row. Yay! Dopamine!
Lastly: Use tools. Especially when you have a lot of “small stuff”. Homebox, Snipeit,Grocy or a simple Excel/LibreCalc Spreadsheet. It doesn’t matter. But it helps. But stay realistic. Will you really scan all the food items in your fridge all the time from now on? Rather unlikely. But maybe the rarely used cans in a hiden corner or the emergency supply things should be. Same goes for cables and stuff.
You can do it.
Adam Savage once pointed out that organization isn’t a problem to be solved it’s a process to be managed. You won’t find a perfect solution, but you can try things out and see how they work and make more changes later once you have new data to work with.
If you have been just surviving, you probably haven’t had the luxury of indecision. You need solutions, answers, and only have time for the things on the critical path. Now you’re off that path and things are less straightforward. Take any advice you like, but understand the real answer will be something you need to grow yourself by fertilizing the soil with ideas and giving them time to either grow or rot.
That said, my organization starts with giving everything a place. It doesn’t have to be a perfect place, or even a good place at first, and can just be wherever it is right now.
When you use the item, it returns to it’s place. As you learn how you use the items, you can then start changing their place to be better. You’re thinking about categories, but that comes from how you use or intend to use that item. That is knowledge you need to develop again, so don’t worry about it yet.
For furniture I like things that have clearly separate spaces that can be filled as I define things. The Kallax line of IKEA shelves is great as they are just cubes you can fill with bins, objects, or split with shelves and drawers. I move then around constantly, but that’s fine since this isn’t a problem to solve and in just managing the process.
I think of my things has having 3 ur-categories. Things that are used constantly, things that are used regularly, and things that are used seldom.
Things that are used constantly should simply be available. They should be in the spot where you can just grab them. Think, like, car keys.
Things that are used regularly should be stored with things they will be used with. For example, you can store your coffee in the same cabinet that you store your coffee mugs in.
Things that are used seldom should be stored with things they are like. For example, spare usb cables should be stored with the other spare usb cables, which are stored with all the other spare cables, which are stored with all the other electronics odds and ends. This is basically leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for yourself to follow when you scratch your head and wonder where you stored your spare usb cables.
I appreciate the perspective in your second paragraph. I am aware of how tumultuous history makes me better at handling huge, high stakes crises (despite struggling to cope with minor issues), but I hadn’t considered how that dynamic could be affecting this quest.
When you are aiming to give everything a place, do you tend to do it from a bottom-up, item-by-item perspective, or a top-down, categories-then-items approach? For example, the top down mode is like if I defined a category like “nail-care”, and then listed/gathered the items that belonged to that category (nail clippers, cuticle oil, nail file, etc.) and designated a home for that category. The bottom up one might start with me actually using the nail clippers and then thinking “where should this one item go?” I find it especially hard to find homes for individual, loose items like this, but if I don’t put them somewhere, then when I stumble across other things in that category (cuticle oil etc.), I can’t find the nail clippers, which hinders the ability of categories to begin to form.
I find categories useful because my working memory is trash (likely ADHD related, which I should have mentioned in my post). Like, by encapsulating a list of 3 items (e.g. nail clippers, cuticle oil, nail file) with a category, it abstracts away a lot of unnecessary information and I’ve reduced the problem from “find homes for these three items” to “find a home for the nail stuff”. Currently, the default place for most of my stuff is for it to be spread across a couple of large boxes, and that makes it impossible for categories to form. I also often find myself paralysed with dread because I have historically found it useful to ensure I return items to their designated places, and my inability to find places for things causes me to just not use the things.
You sound a lot like me. Most of my (admittedly small) room was packed into a giant box for over a year due to reasons beyond my control and once I was finally able to unpack it I had a meltdown because I had no actual space for anything.
My approach and my advice are different so take that as you will.
My approach: make a complaint list about all the things I couldn’t store properly and try to find some half assed furniture, then go from there. I got a small bookshelf, a set of plastic drawers and a storage mirror for my door (giant hanging mirror that is basically a jewelry box inside).
My suggestion: get some smaller, cheaper shelves/furniture/open (small!) baskets and see where stuff ends up naturally, then go from there. Eventually you’ll have more concrete complaints you can address and change as needed.
Starting from complete scratch is overwhelming, so throwing anything at a wall to see what sticks is better than nothing, at least from my own ADHD perspective.
And don’t be afraid to ask for in-person help if it’s available to you (friends, family etc.). Sounding boards/physical presence can also help massively.
My approach would be to find one thing and define it a home. For example, I keep nail clippers near my computer desk in an IKEA letter tray with other small, hard to group items like my lip balm, SD card readers, flash drives, ETC. From there, when I’m going through a bin of random shit and I find my cuticle shears, I have another item to group it with and a home for both.
If some items are hard to find a home for, create a place for those objects to live together like a found-family trope.
Didn’t read much of any of the post or replies, but I think I get the gist of it all.
I’m 54 for reference sake.
Seems to me life is composed of seasons. You have some good seasons, some bad ones, but they’re just seasons of your life, summers and winters.
Go read some Kurt Vonnegut. Seriously. I honestly think his words and fiction will give you some grounding. See if this helps:
“To the As-Yet-Unborn, to all innocent wisps of undifferentiated nothingness: Watch out for life. I have caught life. I have come down with life. I was a wisp of undifferentiated nothingness, and then a little peephole opened quite suddenly. Light and sound poured in. Voices began to describe me and my surroundings. Nothing they said could be appealed. They said I was a boy named Rudolf Waltz, and that was that. They said the year was 1932, and that was that. They said I was in Midland City, Ohio, and that was that. They never shut up. Year after year they piled detail upon detail. They do it still. You know what they say now? They say the year is 1982, and that i am fifty years old. Blah blah blah.”
Meh. In any case:
“Extenuating circumstance to be mentioned on Judgment Day: We never asked to be born in the first place.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake
Come on, Ohio is not that big of a shithole
Everything except the last paragraph reads like textbook adult ADHD.
I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until I was nearly done with college and a lot of what I just read felt very familiar.
You said you wanted general advice so I will try to keep this broad:
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! You don’t need to see the end from the beginning to know that walking forward will get you nearer to your goal. When you try to look at the whole project or list of projects at once it’s going to feel overwhelming. That’s not going to change. You just have to get comfortable with it and learn to keep moving forward even if you can’t rationalize your way through everything at once.
If it’s worth doing at all, it’s worth doing poorly. You said you want more storage furniture but you can’t get it yet because you don’t know how much stuff you have to store. Well I think you should go out and get some shelves anyway. Even if it isn’t the exact amount of storage you need, it’s still worth doing because it’s still better than nothing and it still gets you closer to your goal. If you find you need more later then get more later. Your stuff is also variable. Things are bound to come and go while you figure this out. It’s okay to work on being “better” knowing it still won’t be “perfect”
Forget about the ideal life you want to lead. That part is a daydream. It’s a fairytale we tell ourselves for a variety of reasons. What is real is what is now and that’s where you should start grounding yourself. Build systems that work for you today and get you closer to where you want to be. If you want to change those systems later because they don’t serve you anymore then go ahead. That’s okay. Like I mentioned earlier, if it’s worth doing then it’s worth doing poorly. Don’t try to just jump in to your ideal life. That is just setting yourself up for failure. Build systems that work for you now but better. If you need to rebuild those systems later because your needs changed then that’s okay. In fact it’s great because it shows how much you have grown.
If you are open to reading suggestions, there is a book called Driven to Distraction by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey (both are M.D. s) about ADHD. I’m not trying to diagnose you or anything but this book changed my life. If you feel like I used to (and it sounds like you might) then this book might be helpful to you, ADHD or not.
I do have a diagnosis of ADHD (I should have probably mentioned that in the post).
“Build systems that work for you today and get you closer to where you want to be.”
The problem is that I don’t think there are any systems that work for me today, in the sense that I am so deeply unfulfilled with my life at present that trying to build around me as I am now just leads to a sense of stagnation that really harms my morale. I think the key part of the above snippet is the “and get you closer to where you want to be”, and that’s the million dollar question.
I’ll check out the book you recommended, thanks.
I can seriously relate to that feeling of hopeless unfulfilment. I struggle with slipping into and out of that place myself. What I find helps the most are little things. Small acts of self care that, over time, help me reach out again and grasp the belief that I can change things. Whatever you do and wherever you go, it has to start with the belief that things can get better, even if you don’t see how.
Just focus on little things. Improve your life in small controllable ways. Don’t worry about big problems or permanent solutions. Living well is all about momentum. You start building steam one coal at a time.
What is real is what is now and that’s where you should start grounding yourself. Build systems that work for you today
that’s fine if it works for you but it does definitely not work for everybody, in fact it can do more harm than good for some people.
the textbook example to this is called “dissociation” and if often affects rape victims. it is essentially the opposite of living-in-the-moment, i.e. trying to see everything as if it was very far away, because that protects against the fact that you simply cannot accept things the way that they are today.
I really don’t know how to interpret this… Grounding in the here-and-now is bad for people who dissociate? But that doesn’t make sense, please explain: What do you mean?
dissociation happens as a defensive mechanism because the subconsciousness can’t deal with what it sees as the here-and-now. so it tries to take a lot of distance from the here-and-now, and that leads to dissociation. it happens especially when people are in difficult times, and trying to forcibly experience the here-and-now can people to be overwhelmed and experience too much stress, which can lead to stress-related symptoms such as heartburn, circulatory problems, and emotional dysregulation. overall, dissociation is a protective mechanism that happens naturally and is valuable overall. people shouldn’t force themselves to live in the here-and-now.
I still dont see how that’s relevant to the comment you replied to in the context of this thread.
I find that our life’s paths are a lot like the magnetic field lines in a coil:
During times of stress, they compress to fit through a narrow path that we have to walk through. After that, they expand again. Since people have very different paths in their life, these paths diverge and lead in very different directions.
Which path you have to walk depends on you and is not something that somebody else can tell you. You might notice that you distance yourself from people that you have had close relationships with in the past, because they end up walking in completely different directions that you do. I’m not sure whether this helps you, but it might take a while for your own path to stabilize and become very clear to you.
In case anybody wonders how the fuck did i come up with the analogy to the magnetic field lines:
actually, you can replace the magnetic field lines with air flowing through a tunnel. it compresses when it enters the tunnel and expands after the tunnel; due to Bernoulli’s principle. As the air begins to move, a part of its pressure turns into kinetic energy, so it exerts less pressure against the environment and therefore contracts.
It has to speed up as it enters the tunnel, as it has a narrower path to walk but still has to transport the same amount of matter per second.
The tunnel is a metaphor for our lives, when we see ourselves forced to walk through a narrow path, we have to focus and get moving faster to deal with our challenges, but after that we expand again. That expansion eats a part of our energy, because we have to build up new internal energy that was consumed as we moved through the tunnel, and that causes us to experience the emotion of depression. (also consider “after-birth depression” as an example) but don’t worry, it passes after a while.
Sort your shit out based on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs
You had to move back in with your parents, you are barely fulfilling the first foundation
you need to remind your caveman brain that it is being fulfilled, so that the modern person can find the mental space to be in the now
I’m currently going through something similar, and I’m just disposing of anything I do not immediately need.
Some stuff is very sentimental, so I asked my neighbor to dispose of it because I can’t.
Keep it at. Little by little. It’s all we can do.
I’m very careful about what I buy. Only high quality stuff that I research first. Just because it is a good deal doesn’t mean I need to buy it - if I’m not 100% sure I need to use it I won’t buy it. I find it hard to get rid of stuff so I’m attacking the problem from the other end: quit buying more stuff. If I do buy it I get the best so it will last a long time (I’m not getting rid of it!)
Every once in a while I will look at something and decide I really don’t need it. However this is rare. When something breaks I either fix it or get rid of it, but again rare. (I have a to fix pile that I slowly am working on…)
I have found that a similar approach has drastically decreased the amount of unnecessary stuff I have over the course of many years. The problem that I’m faced with now is that the various high quality things that I mindfully bought are functionally out of reach because everything is boxed up and disorganised.
Do you have a good idea of what you have, and just don’t know where it is? I struggle with organization (understatement) so mostly have to aggressively edit, throw things out. But we are in a medium sized house now and not planning to move so I’ve been working on it for 5 years or so.
As you asked about equipment or furniture - I have those strong wire shelves like you’d find in a commercial kitchen, they can hold anything, and look ok, if you have room for one of those I recommend.
Clothes in a closet with a basket for things that need to be laundered is where I would start, then a bookshelf, then one of those strong steel wire shelves for other stuff - I have one for non-perishable foods and cooking equipment (cook a lot) another in a big closet for “everything else” - gardening stuff, batteries, cords, chemicals, Halloween decorations, etc. With each category on these shelves having a zone.
The big shelf is good because you can open one box and arrange it’s contents on the shelf, then another, and you can see it more easily. Your categories may become more obvious as you work.
I know some legit organized people but can’t do what they do, I get overwhelmed when there is too much. And no it’s never done, like really done.
In terms of advice, what stuck with me was if you haven’t used something in a long time give it away. Sure you may need another in five years but that’s five years you didn’t have it taking up space in your home and your mind.
Yor life can always be pulled apar and is never 100% finished. I have not been in your situation. But I have learnt to be autistic as I got my diagnosis late.
First about storage, I would either start by trying to sort the stuff, I mean, boxes are a type of storage as well. Go for rough categories in size and location / type.
- Kitchen stuff, big
- Kitchen stuff, small
- gardening
- medical / health
- etc
The other thing you can do is to just go to a second hand store and find a bookcase you like with fairly big and deep shelves. A big plus if you can move the shelfs as well. Often you can find them in sets of two or three. If you are creative you can sand and paint it to make it more your own.
About routines, you probably have some sort of routine, try to build on that. And you don’t necessarily need a super rigid routine. We eat around 12 and 18. I exercise some days after dinner. At 22 I clean a bit in the kitchen and go to beed to read until I can sleep. I do laundry on the same day every week etc.
I keep things near where they are needed. ie, spatulas/turners/tongs in the drawer directly next to the stove. Tissue boxes everywhere because I’m allergic to absolutely everything and sneezing/dripping constantly, and hand lotion similarly, because i have awful skin and my hands crack to the point of bleeding (haha, tissues and lotion, its funny because masturbation joke).
Its most important that you can actually grab things when you need them, and can know where they are without thinking. Where would be convenient for something to be? Put it there, and if you can’t, move things around or get furniture that lets you put it there.
Probably get looked into for ADHD but on the decluttering, just get really drunk or high and throw all but the most essentials (like the essentials essentials) away. Thats the hardest part lol
I do have a diagnosis of ADHD (I probably should have mentioned that in my post). I think that I struggle with knowing what the essentials are, especially given that I’m in this situation as a result of cutting my life down below even the essential essentials. A lot of the stuff that’s causing mess isn’t necessarily clutter that could be gotten rid of, but important stuff that needs to have a home
Whats the worst thing that could happen if you just said fuck it and tried this out? Please be very specific and exhaustive
I mean, whilst it might not be the worth thing that could happen from trying this, the thing that already has happened is bad enough: I threw away the majority of stuff that I owned, which did involve getting rid of a lot of clutter, but also involved getting rid of a bunch of important and/or necessary things. Some of those things were necessary enough that they got repurchased. However, because of difficulties in organising what I do have (even when that’s only the bare essentials), then I am living in chaotic inconsistency.
To give a concrete example, I have asthma and I’m meant to take a preventer inhaler twice a day. My asthma is practically non-existent if I keep on top of that, but I haven’t been able to be consistent with it. That led to me having to have paramedics come out a while back because after a flare up, I also wasn’t able to find my blue reliever inhaler. Fortunately I live in a country where that doesn’t cost me an arm and a leg, but that kind of situation is what I’m trying to avoid — the cumulative impact of not having the things that I need to be okay
If you gathered all the true essentials and set them aside so they could not be lost or disposed, hoe would you feel about being able to have at it then?
What advice have you found helpful in the past?
The biggest one is that it is ok to make mistakes! If you must reduce the volume of things you have, it is important to remember that they are things. They might trigger memories, but they are still just things that you assign value based on usefulness or the ability to trigger a memory. But if you lost all of your things in a fire or other unexpected event, you don’t lose a part of yourself, just things. This was explained to me by a relative who lost their home in a fire, and while it sounds cliche being able to see them recover was a great learning experience about the importance, or lack thereof, of ‘stuff’.
So with that in mind, some things will be more important than others for various reasons. I personally use the business concept of space having value. Storing things costs money. Something taking up space costs money. From a personal perspective, things take up money, space that could be used for other things including easily moving around, and the time and effort to organize/clean/move when you move/etc. Then I determine how much space I want to use for things, knowing it is a goal and not a destination.
Since having things involves multiple rooms and locations, I do the spaces by location. I have a max amount of space in the bedroom, in the kitchen, workshop, etc. The goal is to get the stuff to not overflow from that space into storage. No, I don’t generally hit the target but I do massively reduce the overall amount by thinking through how important they really are.
An example of me making a ‘mistake’ was getting rid of a bunch of RPG books, where I kept two out of the batch for the memories. Later on, I thought about playing again and kicked myself for ditching them. But to be honest, it is very possible to reacquire them and I didn’t have to mess around with them for the 20 years between selling them and thinking about playing again. Looked up a pirates PDF and decided it wasn’t that much of a loss anyway! Also ditched some furniture when there wasn’t enough space, and replacements aren’t as nice, but it wouldn’t have been worth paying for storage either.
This may not be as helpful if you are having trouble figuring out how much something is worth it to you, so here is a suggested plan that might work as practice.
For things you rarely use anything large, cheap, and easily replaced go first. They are not worth your time and effort to maintain their existence. That may make a big dent in the overall stuff problem.
If you have multiples of the same thing, do you really need that many? Like 5 sets of bed coverings is too many if you don’t have plenty of space. Extra blankets can almost always be replaced, and both take up a lot of space and effort to keep clean and organized.
Be honest about clothes. If you haven’t worn it for a few years, it doesn’t have a specific purpose that is likely in the future and a high cost like good winter gear, try to sort out the easier to replace stuff and keep the most valuable. For me I will never ditch my winter boots even if I moved to a warmer location because a good fitting high quality pair is expensive, but gloves come and go.
If you want memories, try to hold on to small reminders. Maybe a single tub or two. Then focus on what you use regularly, keep that stuff. If you use it rarely, but it is small and expensive and not out of date, keep it but set a maximum size.
I did a massive downsizing when I moved a few years ago and it was liberating. Yeah, some stuff that was kept and some that were gotten rid of were probably the opposite in hindsight, but just having less stuff is a goal unto itself and worth it overall.
I would recommend taking it at a slow, steady, sustainable pace. It’s really satisfying to make huge, sweeping changes, but the things that usually make the biggest difference are the little habits and moments during the day. Incremental progress is the name of the game.
It helps me to pick a point of tension in my life and just spend some time working on that particular thing. For example, I hate when dishes build up, so I spent a whole week just focused on washing them right away. Once that feels like a sustainable routine that I can do somewhat mindlessly, I move on to another little thing.
